


Shatter Me

by monsterslut13



Series: The Lion and the Wolf [1]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Cullavellan - Freeform, Cullen is freaking adorable, F/M, Feels, Fenhawk, Fluff, Gratuitous Smut, How Do I Tag, I love how we've just named the scout Jim, In Game Dialogue, Krem is a great bro, M/M, Rated Explicit for later chapters, Second play through, She'll warm up to Solas eventually, The Inquisitor is a magical oddball, Trans Character, slowish burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 04:45:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 33,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15678288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monsterslut13/pseuds/monsterslut13
Summary: When Commander Cullen Rutherford first met the one thought responsible for death of Divine Justinia, he certainly wasn’t expecting a tiny elf with a sarcastic streak a mile long and a habit of actually hitting people with her staff over doing magic. When Fen’nas Lavellan volunteered to spy on the Conclave to get out of an arranged bonding with someone she hardly knew, she certainly wasn’t expecting a trip to the Fade, a giant hole in the sky and a mark on her hand...but you know what they say about the best laid plans?





	1. I pirouette in the dark

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm playing through Dragon Age again {I have nothing better else to do, thanks surgery and time off} and decided to play through as a female mage and romance the crap out of Cullen. This is just me diving more into my oddball, wolf raised Inquisitor. The burn will be slow-ish and run through the major plot points in the game as well as feels in between. Each chapter will most likely be named after parts of the Lindsey Stirling song Shatter Me which I've decided is Lavellan's theme song. 
> 
> I have no beta so all mistakes are my own. 
> 
> I do not own Dragon Age, I'm just playing in it's castle

The first time he really looked at Fen’nas Lavellan, she’d been lying unconscious on the floor in the cells underneath Haven, silvery blonde hair fanned out around her like a majestic cloak. When the Temple of Sacred Ashes exploded in an unholy glow of green fire, the Dalish mage was the only survivor, pulled out of the rubble by the very soldiers sworn to protect the Divine and the peace she was trying to achieve between the mages and templars. For three days and nights they fought to save her in an effort to get answers, with no name yet to identify her, those left to pick up the pieces were forced to fill in the gaps and fight the demons that spilled out of the breach endlessly.

 

When she woke up, he had to admit, none of them were prepared for the firecracker that the newly named Herald of Andraste clearly was. Of course she didn't look like your typical mage, no stuffy robes adorned her form and she cursed the Maker in all kinds of inappropriate, yet inventive ways. The Second to Clan Lavellan was more like a city elf than a member of the Dalish despite the vallasin on her face, Cullen had only met a handful of Dalish in his life but none of them acted like she did.

 

Fen’nas opened and closed the Breach in a way that appeared to be effortless. The action itself landed her in bed for two days whilst she recovered, those few ragtag mages they’d managed to gather tried to figure out the nature of the breach. When the Seeker spoke about forming the Inquisition around the rapidly spreading legend of the Herald, Fen’nas told Cassandra where to shove it in a way that would have made the Maker blush. The mage came around after a few days but those days were tense, the air so thick with tension it could be cut with a blunt knife.

 

The second time he really looked at Fen’nas Lavellan was just after she’d knocked one of the young templar recruits on his ass. Not that Cullen could blame her of course, the man in question had a reputation for being arrogant and chasing after anything that was easy on the eye. Going after the Herald of Andraste was not Tobias Rayne’s finest moment, but it was in that moment that all the Inquisition soldiers learnt that magic was not the herald's only defense. With the butt of her staff she knocked his legs out from underneath him and then broke his nose. By that point both Leliana and Cassandra were sure Fan’nas said yes to joining the Inquisition just so she could stick it to the guy.

 

After that Cullen found himself drawn into watching her as she trained in the training fields with the recruits he’d gathered for the army. Fen’nas was definitely not your typical mage, she wielded her staff like a weapon and a tool, rarely relying on magic to help ease her path. If he hadn’t seen her use her magic to heal a woman’s broken arm, Cullen would have started to suspect that Fen’nas had no magic to speak of.

 

With each passing day, the commander found himself growing more and more curious about her. Cullen had seen Fen’nas dancing out in the middle of a thunderstorm whilst lightning rained down around her, he’d seen her wearing flower crowns to war table meetings and he was there when she’d returned from the Hinterlands with puppy she’d picked up on the way home. Fen’nas was an odd creature, and Cullen, like everyone else, didn’t know what to make of the slightly dented Herald of Andraste.

 

“Can I take a seat Commander Cullen?” The speaker startled him out of his thoughts and when he looked up, Cullen found himself staring into the pale blue eyes of the Herald, two bowls of soup in her hands and a slight smirk pulling at her lips. “You looked _so_ lost in thought that I figured you’d missed the rallying cry for food. Brought you some soup...or stew. At this point it’s anybody’s guess as to what it is. Tastes good with lots of salt though.” Fen’nas didn’t wait for Cullen to answer when she sat down and placed the bowl on the table between his papers.

 

“Thank you Herald,” Cullen responded, gathering his papers up as he watched her from the corner of his eyes. She looked like a cat, all poised and elegant. There was a calculated grace to her form yet she cursed like a seasoned mercenary which of course, meant the mage fit in _perfectly_ among the Chargers that had recently moved into Haven. If the commander didn’t know any better, he could have thought her one of them.

 

“Fen’nas,” she snorted with the spoon in her mouth. “Or Fen, actually call me Fen, I prefer it over Fen’nas.” The elf stretched out languarly and yawned after she’d tied her hair back in a messy-looking bun just so it was out of her face.

 

“Interesting name, Fen’nas,” Cullen pointed out, using his own spoon to gather some chunks of vegetables out of the thick soup. “What does it mean?” Getting to know the herald was something that they’d all tried to do in the last couple of months but she was pretty secretive in regards to her past. Even Leliana had run into trouble learning about the Dalish elf.

 

“It means wolf soul,” she explained. “I was...I dunno...seven summers, I think, when the clan found me living among the wolves in the Free Marches.” Fen’nas munched on a hard bit of carrot and continued to poke at her food, eating as she went. “Keeper Deshanna says the hunters found me with a couple of templars on the packs tail, hunting the wild wolf child with magic.”

 

Cullen frowned. “Y-you lived among wolves?” the ex-templar asked her, disbelief in his voice. “That’s...impressive.” It certainly explained why she’d adopted a half-breed wolf pup but not why she called it Ghi’lan, but than Cullen wasn’t an expert on the elven language.

 

“Impressive,” Fen’nas laughed musically. “Most people scream abomination and run in the other direction. Cause let’s fear the skinny child who was being hunted down like a monster for something she can’t control. The best the Keeper can tell me is I lived for a time in Kirkwall with my parents who were hiding as apostates.”

 

“Y-you lived in Kirkwall?” Cullen questioned, finding himself staring at her. It wasn’t very often that he ran into someone from Kirkwall, not these days. Of course everyone had heard of the Chantry explosion and the events with Knight-Commander Meredith but finding someone who lived there was rare.

 

Fen’nas shrugged. “As far as the Keeper tells me. I only volunteered for the Conclave cause who wants to bond with someone you don’t know?” She poked her tongue out childishly and at the same time, licked some soup off her spoon. “The couple that took me into their family were great and all but-all that bonding shit is boring.”

 

“Why did the Dalish take you in?” Cullen questioned. “Don’t they have a rule that only three mages can be in the clan at any given time?”

 

Fen’nas nodded. “Typically yes. But the Keeper had just lost her First to sickness which elevated her second into his spot, since they had no other mage, they eagerly took me in and tried to groom the wolf out of me.” She shrugged. “My adoptive parents always said that being monitored by the templars for six months and staying in the one place was a small price to pay.”

 

The elf sounded entirely too bitter about the entire situation, but it had a small part of Cullen agreeing with the way she sounded. The clan only took her in because of what _they_ needed at the time, not what was good for her. “If you don’t mind me asking, do you...like your clan?”

 

“Oh I do!” Fen’nas answered. “It took a while but they soon became home. I think my favourite thing to do was spend as much time as I could out in the woods. I loved climbing trees and just being outdoors when I could. Sure it wasn’t without its risks, I did manage to find myself in the sights of slavers a few times but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. Plus the pack always kept me safe,” she answered happily. “Not the elven one, the wolf one. They followed us where we went.”

 

“Because you were one of the pack?” Wolves were creatures that were often painted in the wrong light but Fen’nas had a strange way of adding light to that picture.

 

Fen’nas nodded. “I was one of the pack. I think they’re still out there, one day they just weren’t there anymore It was the day I got my vallaslin.” She touched the pale blue markings on her face and sighed. “These are the markings of Dirthamen, the elven god of secrets and knowledge. The Keeper thought them appropriate for me to carry.” The elf looked up at him and cocked her head to the side, watching the commander like a wolf watches something that is both interesting and dangerous at the same time. “So how long until you run off and report it to Sister Nightingale?”

 

Cullen nearly choked on his soup. “Herald-”

 

“Fen’nas,” she corrected him. “Or Fen. I have a name, use it Commander.”

 

He chuckled. “Maker’s breath, Cullen. If you want me to call you Fen’nas, you need to call me Cullen.” Cullen sat the spoon back in the nearly empty bowl and rubbed the back of his neck. “I assure you, Fen’nas, anything you tell me here will be of strictest confidence. I wouldn’t want you to not trust me.”

 

“Who says I trust you?” Fen’nas asked casually, her pale blue eyes practically boring into his brown ones. “You are a templar after all, and I’m a mage.”

 

“Ex-templar.” Now it was Cullen’s turn to correct her. “I don’t follow their code anymore.” He started gathering up his papers, piling them neatly off to one side. “If you’ll excuse me Herald, I have things to do. Thank you for dinner.” Cullen got to his feet but stopped when he felt a tug on his wrist, he looked down to look at Fen’nas who had grabbed his wrist. “Herald?”

 

“I did that thing again where I talk before I can stop myself,” Fen’nas frowned, her lips pressed together in a thin line. She sighed and sat back to pinch her nose, “look...I get that I’m not the most approachable person in this entire organisation that is built around me. I could really use a friend comm-Cullen. And yeah, okay, sure, you’re a former templar but I’m an apostate, in another life we’d be enemies but...I need a friend to help me through all of this. I have no idea what I’m doing and things just keep getting worse and worse with each passing day.”

 

There was panic in her voice now and it appeared as though it was set to stay. The sheer tone of her voice plucked at the commander’s heartstrings and before he knew it, Cullen was sitting back down at the table and Fen’nas let him go. “There are far easier people to befriend Fen’nas.”

 

“I know,” she shrugged. “But I don’t like doing things the easy way.” She put her elbows on the table and sat her head in her hands. “So...a little birdie tells me that you play chess, and since Josephine keeps telling me that patience is a virtue, we can spark off this new found friendship with you teaching me how to play chess.”

 

Cullen straightened up a little and smile softly. Fen’nas was making an effort, he had to give her that. “Of course. I think I can dig up a chess set somewhere here in Haven. But maybe I should explain the rules to you before we venture out to find one.”

 

* * *

 

“Sister Leliana, have you seen the Herald?” Josephine had been looking for Fen’nas for over an hour now so she could address a letter sent by Fergus Cousland, the Teyrn of Highever. Whilst it wasn’t normally like the ambassador to seek the elf’s approval on something, Josephine wanted to speak to her about something else at the same time.

 

“Why yes I have,” Leliana answered, a small smile tugging at her lips as she kept her eyes focused ahead of her. “She’s been sitting there with Commander Cullen for nearly two hours playing chess.” The spymaster had to admire the girl’s tenacity for someone who had never played chess before...either that or Fen’nas was just too stubborn to give up. Leliana suspected that it had to be the latter.

 

“Playing chess?” Josephine followed Leliana’s gaze and smiled at the two as they sat there at the table, bowls and paperwork long-since forgotten by mind thoroughly engrossed by the board before them. “Who’s winning?”

 

Leliana didn’t answer as the pair watched Cullen move a piece and triggered a mountain of verbal vomit consisting of elven curse words from the Herald’s mouth. “It would appear that our mighty commander has secured himself yet another victory.”

 

“And our dear Herald has finally made herself a friend,” Josephine added. “I was starting to worry.”

 

“I think we all were.”


	2. I see the stars through me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dance lessons, marks flaring and the doubt...it's all just another day for the Herald of Andraste

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just gonna take a quick moment to say THANK YOU to all of those who commented and gave me kudos! Holy crap I did not expect the reception that I've gotten when I decided to upload this. You are all WONDERFUL!!! xxx
> 
> \---
> 
> I have no beta so all mistakes are my own.
> 
> I do not own Dragon Age, I'm just playing in it's castle

“Quick Varric you have to hide me now!!!” Fen’nas pleaded, her pale blue eyes wide with legitimate fear with worry painted all over her face. She'd found the rogue sitting down at the tavern with Iron Bull and Krem playing a game of Wicked Grace hoping that all three of them would be happy to assist the mage in her endeavor. “I'm  _ begging _ you! Do not let Josephine find me!” 

 

All three parties looked up at the Herald and Bull laughed as the small elf practically used him for cover. “Why are you hiding from ruffles little wolf?” Varric questioned, trying not to smile at the thought of why Fen’nas was hiding from their ambassador. 

 

“She's trying to teach me how to dance!” Fen’nas answered. “Varric it was torture! I don't even know how they can call that music! Mother Giselle came to talk to Josephine and that  _ shem _ she made me practice with wasn’t paying attention so I climbed out the window and ran! Now she's hunting me! I swear she's part mabari or something!” When she'd agreed to join the Inquisition and let them call her the Herald of Andraste, the elf had  _ never _ agreed to nobility lessons and dancing lessons but Josephine had a will of iron, saying no wasn't in the woman's vocabulary. Although she had seemed to accept the fact that Fen’nas  _ refused _ to wear shoes. That was something at least. 

 

Bull flung his head back and roared with laughter. “You’re joking right?” The rather impressive scowl on the girl’s face told the Qunari that she was not. “I’m so glad I’m not you right now,” he added, a smirk pulling at his lips as he gulped down the last of his ale. “You know, some of the Chargers were going out hunting, you could always hide with them.”

 

“Oh yeah, that’ll impress ruffles,” Varric laughed. 

 

“Who’s side are you on?!” Fen’nas huffed, trying to look as annoyed and threatening as she possibly could but really looking more like a puppy who was in trouble. She climbed onto the bench beside Bull and sighed. “Whilst I’m here being utterly betrayed by my own people, I wanted to ask if you’ll both come to the Fallow Mire with me tomorrow?” She peaked at Bull’s cards and snorted before looking back over at Varric innocently. “Cassandra said if I don’t pick a team to go with me by this evening she’ll pick one for me.”

 

“Is the Seeker going?” Varric asked her, eyebrow raised in question. 

 

“You bet your ass she’s going,” Fen’nas grinned. “The banter between you two is so  _ interesting _ . And with Ghi’lan there we’d make an interesting party to meet that Avvar leader who wants to met me. The whole situation screams TRAP but hey, those soldiers didn’t ask to be taken hostage.”

 

“So you, me, Bull here and the Seeker are going to a magical swamp infested with the undead and rain, probably mould?” Varric asked her. “Gee you sure know how to show a dwarf a good time.”

 

Fen’nas shrugged. “It’s a gift Varric.” She sat back on the edge of the bench, balancing dangerously on the edge and not caring if she fell off or not. “Your games are certainly interesting to watch, can anyone explain to me the importance of these cards-”

 

“There you are! Maker, Herald, don’t run off like that again!” Josephine practically yelled across the tavern through an open window. The ambassador was walking by the tavern and just happened to look in through the window just at the right time to see the mage balancing on the bench. 

 

Fen’nas shrieked and fell backwards, limbs flailing in the air as she hit the ground hard. Bull and Varric looked at each other before they both roared with laughter. Krem rolled his eyes and got to his feet to help the elf get up. “Ouch!” she frowned, rubbing her lower back. “That’s going to leave a bruise.”

 

“Well I’m sure that wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t climb out of the window like a child.” It was almost like Josephine had just materialized out of nowhere and appeared right beside her. She crossed her arms and shook her head, “Herald, as much as you dislike these frivolous things, you need to know them. Having me appease the nobility can only get us so far. If they want to meet you, you must at least know how to address them properly and be polite. Now come, you owe me more of a lesson. And I got you a new dance partner.” 

 

“Josie I’m begging you!” Fen’nas pleaded as the ambassador linked arms with the startled elf. “Can’t I leave the politics in your capable hands? Let me just throw fire at things and hit people with my staff? Take Varric, he’s probably better at it than I am.”

 

“Leave me out of this little wolf,” Varric gaffed, waving the two women away as he returned back to his cards. “You’re on your own now.”

 

“I’ll get you for this!” Fen’nas whined as Josephine practically dragged her out of the tavern. “I swear to Elgar'nan I’ll get you.” 

 

“Herald, if I may, these lesson are important,” Josephine advised her. “I don’t just give you them for a whim, in the course of what we are doing, we need to be able to count on the support of the nobility for funds and support of any kind. Sometimes this means doing thing like this even if you don’t like them.”

 

Fen’nas wrinkled her nose up. “Okay, fine,” she pouted as the Antivan lessened her grip on her arm, eventually letting her go. She followed Josephine back to her office and found herself grinning like the cat that ate the canary when she saw that Cullen was leaning against the wall without his armor, trying to look as small as possible. “Cullen! Are you my new partner?!” 

 

“Not by choice,” the commander answered truthfully. “Our ambassador is under the idea that I need a refresher on how to dance.”

 

“I thought slavery was illegal in Fereldan?” Fen’nas muttered under her breath. 

 

“Apparently not,” Cullen replied. 

 

“Oh would you two stop acting like children?” Josephine scoalded. She walked over to Cullen and steered him into the middle of the room, doing the same thing to Fen’nas so she could position their hands and arms appropriately. “Now, we’ll start from the beginning. Don’t stand toe-to-toe with the commander,” she warned the mage. “Offset yourself.” 

 

Cullen chuckled a little at the look of extreme focus Fen’nas had on her face as she followed the woman’s instructions. 

 

“Now you won’t be ballroom dancing anytime soon, so at this point just shift your weight back and forth as you sway to the music,” she instructed. “You need to remember that you  _ have  _ to let yourself be led, okay Fen’nas? Commander, you also  _ have _ to lead her.” Josephine nodded to the woman sitting in the corner of the room who started playing a gentle tune on the violin. 

 

“A little birdie told me that you climbed out a window?” Cullen teased as he drew on the dance lessons he had when he was younger. “I would have liked to see that.” 

 

Fen’nas stuck her tongue out at him at the same time she accidentally stood on his foot. “ _ Fenedhis lasa _ , Cullen I’m sorry!” Graceful she was when she was out in the battlefield wielding both staff as a magical conduit and a weapon, on the dancefloor she was a baby deer, all legs and elbows. 

 

“You weigh less than nothing,” he told her. “Don’t worry yourself, just focus on following where I move.” 

 

“You’re the commander,” the elf answered, a cheeky grin pulling her her lips that made her entire face light up. It was odd seeing Cullen without all his armor and trimmings but Fen’nas doubted that he could actually dance with it all on. “You know you way, way smaller without all the armor on Cullen? Like a turtle without its shell.”

 

“I have a feeling that you just called me slow?” Cullen chuckled, leading Fen’nas across the floor as best he could. It was clear that she had  _ no _ dance experience whatsoever, but then again, she was Dalish, what use did the Dalish have for dancing on this scale? He found himself suddenly feeling very, very sorry for the mage. “A little less stepping on my foot and you could be passable as a dancer. Not an expert mind you.”

 

“Oh cause you’re so perfect,” she teased earning a laugh from the man. Just as she was beginning to actually enjoy herself, Fen’nas winced at the sudden pain shooting up her left arm, the mark in her palm flared, green sparks flaring everywhere. She pulled away, ignoring the music as it stopped, forcing all her focus in halting the burn consuming her hand. Tears welled in her eyes as Fen’nas ripped off the fingerless glove she wore to cover the mark. 

 

“Herald?!” Josephine gasped, worry lacing her voice as she stood up, stepping towards her. 

 

Fen’nas practically flattened herself against the nearest hard surface and with her free hand she gripped her wrist and sent a burst of cold straight through her arm and hand. Whilst it didn’t make the burn go away, it now didn’t feel like her arm was on fire anymore. “I-I’m okay,” she answered, her breaths short and shallow. 

 

“I’ll go and get Solas!” Josephine was out the door quicker than Fen’nas could object, ushering the woman with the violin out at the same time. “Commander, stay with the Herald.” 

 

Cullen approached her slowly and gently put a hand on her shoulder, making the elf nearly jump ten feet in the air. “You never said that it was hurting you Fen’nas. Have you said anything to Solas?”

 

She shook her head. “No. I seem to handle it pretty good with a ice spell…” Fen’nas let her head fall back against the bookcase, not bothering to put up a fight or say anything when Cullen put his hand on her shoulder and steered her over to a nearby seat. 

 

“Does it flare often?” The commander wasn’t sure if their Herald would appreciate the mother hen routine since he knew how independant she actually was, but they didn’t need a rift to open up in the middle of Haven.  

 

“Sometimes,” she answered, “This close to the breach, it flares when it wants to.” Fen’nas pinched the bridge of her nose and got to her feet. She ignored the dizziness in her head and shook it to try and clear it out. “Excuse me Cullen.” Having people fawn all over her was something that the mage disliked, being poked and prodded by Solas when the mark did something new and unusual was one of those things.

 

“Fen’nas, I’m worried about you!” Cullen objected. 

 

“You’re just worried I’ll open a rift in the middle of Haven just like everyone else is!” the elf snapped. “And I get it, dangerous weapon. It’s not your fault Cullen. Thanks for trying.” She curled her fist as she cradled her hand against her chest. “I’m sorry to cut the dance lesson short but I have to get my things together for the Fallow Mire tomorrow. Harritt was fixing up a new staff for me.” 

 

The door nearly slammed open in her face but the mage managed to catch it just in time. Fen’nas found herself staring at Solas, instantly her eyes narrowed at the other elf. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust him but...well she’d learnt how to home certain instincts over the years and hers were telling her that the man was up to something. “Mistress Lavellan, Ambassador Montilyet says there was an incident with the mark.”

 

“Stick your head in a bag of rats,” Fen’nas scowled. 

 

“Herald!” Josephine called after her. She arched an eyebrow and looked at Cullen, “what happened?”

 

Cullen ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “If you could figure that out, I’d be glad for an answer.”

 

* * *

Their trip through the Fallow Mire had been wet and cold the entire way through. After rescuing the missing soldiers and defeating the Hand of Korrth, the ragtag band of fighters headed back towards Haven but ended up getting caught in the middle of a storm. Instead of fighting it, the four of them found themselves an abandoned house to occupy for the night. 

 

With Bull and Varric in the other room working on whatever they’d found in the way of food, both Cassandra and Fen’nas were in the other room with their own little fire going, both trying to dry their outer layers of clothing. The entire trip the Herald had been quiet, only talking occasionally to Ghi’lan which is what she was doing in elven as she tried to brush the burs from his fur. The Seeker wasn’t exactly impressed with the creature but she knew that Fen’nas was still training him and he was still only a puppy despite his size. 

 

Once their clothes were acceptable to put back on and the food was somewhat cooked, the two of them joined the other’s back in the main room where she continued trying to get the last of Ghi’lan’s fur sorted. Whilst Varric and Bull swapped some...interesting stories, Cassandra went and sat across from the Herald. “There appears to be something on your mind Herald.”

 

“Fen’nas,” she corrected her. “I have a name Cassandra, can you use it please? I’d prefer it if you did.” The mage sat the brush down and took the...whatever kind of meat it was from the Seeker. “There is a hundred things on my mind and all of them have to do with what shitstorm I’m currently in thanks to all of this.” Fen’nas sighed and flexed the hand that held the mark. “It hurts, like an unpleasant burn, all the time. When I use it or when it flares it feels like my arm is on fire, the heat is...painful. I’m not good with people, I never have been. I snapped at Cullen and he was only being nice to me.”

 

“You’re worried about that?” Cassandra scoffed. “Our commander is a big boy, he will get over you snapping at him. You’ve been with us for a few months Hera-I mean Fen’nas, we all know that you are...a little odd in your ways but you have agreed to help us which is something we can only begin to be grateful for.” 

 

“Well you didn’t execute me straight away when the Temple of Sacred Ashes exploded,” Fen’nas replied, mimicking an explosion with her hands. “Which I am extremely happy about. And after making you stew in it for a few days I thought it was either this and go back to my clan.” Clan Lavellan was her home and she did love it but sometimes home had a habit of feeling like a prison. “We’re doing good...like with the soldiers today and helping those refugees caught up in the middle of the war with the templars and mages…”

 

“Ah.” It was easy for Cassandra to suddenly catch onto what the problem was. “You are doubting yourself? Fen’nas, you are Dalish, but you are also a person. It is normal for people to doubt when it comes to things like this. But be assured, you are doing good. Don’t focus on those moments where you’ll get frustrated and snap at people, or the lessons that Josephine puts you through.”

 

“So focus on what?” the mage asked her. 

 

“The people you’ve rescued,” she suggested. “And those silly friends you’ve made. Like Sara and Varric, or Bull and the Charges. You never would have done all the things you’ve done if you did not have it within yourself to do them.” 

 

“I guess I’m just not used to so many people looking at me for the answers,” Fen’nas confessed. “I was the Keeper’s Second, there was no way I would have ever became Keeper so I was happy with the position I was in. I know you and Leliana and Cullen have equal leadership in the Inquisition but in the end I hold the torch, don’t I?” She tossed some meat to Ghi’lan and sat back to chew her own food. 

 

Cassandra sat back into the comfortable silence, listening to the crackle of the fire and the occasional dirty joke coming from Varric as he tried to get Bull to laugh. When she was finished, Fen’nas took her plate and went to collect everything to wash up, doing her part to help with dinner. Later on that evening as the Seeker settled into her bedroll, she heard the Herald shift in hers and turn to the side. “Cassandra...thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation 
> 
> Fenedhis lasa - A common curse
> 
> \---
> 
> I also may have 'accidentally' started a MEA fic and I am so not sorry


	3. Tired mechanical heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fen'nas looses control of her powers and choose her allies in the fight to close the breach. The Herald is pretty sure her choice to ally with the mages is made out of spite to certain mage-phobic jerks and Cullen is adorable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I dunno if you could class this as a trigger but Fen does consider, for a brief moment, hurting herself to get rid of the mark...
> 
> I have no beta so all mistakes are my own.
> 
> I do not own Dragon Age, I'm just playing in it's castle

Pale blonde strands of hair flickered across her face along with tiny droplets of sweat dripping into her eyes, irritating Fen’nas as she tried to keep her eyes on Krem. When Bull had offered to teach her how to fight properly, the mage never thought too much of it. Two hours into afternoon training, she was shattered, could barely hold up the staff she’d been training with and had gathered a bit of an audience to her training/torture session.

 

Hitting people with her staff and shooting balls of fire and lightning at them was something that any mage could do but really learning how to fight, that was a skill that Fen’nas didn’t have. Enter the Iron Bull. A few weeks ago in the Hinterlands, a well placed rogue managed to get the drop on the mage, slicing through her tunic and landing a deep cut in her side. When they’d arrived back at Haven, the first thing she did was ask Bull for help and now she wished that she hadn’t.  

 

“Watch your damn form Fen’nas,” Bull snipped, trudging across the sparring ring to stop the elf in her tracks. He took her frail arms in his hands, holding them tightly so he could adjust her form, raising the staff just a little higher at the same time. “You wanna learn how to fight, you need to focus on what you’re doing.”

 

“Bull I’m tired!” Fen’nas told him, her voice escalating into a louder whine that she intended. “My arms feel like lead and my cursed hair is coming out of the braid. We’ve been doing this for hours!” And this was the part where the Keeper would have come in and smacked her up the back of the head for complaining like a child who knew no better. She had, after all, asked for this.

 

“She’s right boss,” Krem agreed, “we’ve been at this a while now and the Herald’s got more important things to do with the rest of the day.”

 

“One more!” Bull barked. He stepped away from Fen’nas and went back to the sidelines to stand beside Cullen. “Your Herald’s got a long way to go but she has made some improvement. She just needs some method to her movements and at least she won’t get a knife to the side again.”

 

“Your man is really putting her through her paces,” Cullen noted, watching as Fen’nas only just managed to block Krem’s strikes. “But you are right, she does need to know how to actually defend herself, especially if the templars decide to take action against her. Magic can only get you so far sometimes.” He crossed his arms, “perhaps between the two of us we can work out some kind of schedule to help-”

 

The only warning was the smell of ozone in the air before a crack of lightning hit the ground between Fen’nas and Krem. Both the elf and the soldier were thrown backwards as dust and rock flew in every direction, a second strike of lightning cracked through the afternoon sky which caused half of the observers to scatter whilst others stayed to see what had happened. Although at this point it was pretty obvious.

 

“Did anyone get the name of the horse that kicked me?” Krem groaned. He picked himself up and shook some of the dust off as some of the other Chargers came over to see if their comrade was alright. “I’m alright guys, just a little singed. Is Fen okay?” He looked over at the Herald and watched as she groaned and struggled to get up, more importantly he noticed that no one was moving to help her.

 

_What the fuck…?_

 

For Fen’nas it happened in the blink of an eye, her carefully crafted shields slipped away due to lack of sleep and exhaustion. A simple mistake and she suddenly found herself lying a few feet away from where she’d been. She sat up slowly, ignoring a line of blood that dripped down from a large gash in her head in favor for the looks she was getting. The crowd around her wasn’t even making an effort of hiding their disdain and panic. She may be the Herald but first and foremost, Fen’nas was a mage and mages were dangerous. This was a prime example of that.

 

Cullen took a step towards the Herald, noting the anxious look on her face, the look of fear in her eyes. She looked like a trapped wolf ready to strike out at a moment’s notice. He knew it was an accident but that wasn’t what mattered in the grand scheme of thing. “Fen’nas-”

 

Fen’nas ducked past one of the recruits and ran straight into the treeline before anyone could stop her. By that point she was fighting off tears. The elf didn’t stop until she nearly tripped over a tree root but managed to catch herself on a low hanging branch. Krem was tough, one of the toughest people she knew but even a direct attack from a mage would hurt the toughest soldiers. She should have checked to see if the Charger was okay.

 

She fell back against the base of the tree and slumped on the ground, mentally kicking herself. Fen’nas had heard horror stories of what happened to mages who lost their control...there was no way they would make her tranquil would they? It was just a stupid slip and she didn’t mean to let her control go, it just happened. A lot of things were ‘just’ happening to her lately and it was all this stupid marks fault.

 

Fen’nas stared at the green mark flaring lightly in the palm of her hand, wondering if the magic of the mark was interfering with her magic? Solas hadn’t exactly been able to discover how the mark could affect her elemental magic mostly because Fen’nas was putting off sitting with the man to figure it out. Creators she hated the mark more than anything but at the same time it was hard to remember what life would be like without it. She curled her fist into a ball and closed her eyes before her free hand reached out for a nearby rock. Maybe Fen’nas could make the mark go away...or die trying.

 

_No one was going to look at her like that again...not like they used to._

 

Before she had a chance to go through with her thoughts, Fen’nas felt someone snatch the rock out of her hand and heard it get thrown away. “What in the name of the Maker do you think you were doing?!” Cullen all but yelled at her. Pale blue eyes looked up at the commander as he towered over her and he stepped back when he saw her cringe. “Dammit Fen’nas you...don’t do that again, okay?” he whispered, his voice much softer this time. Cullen knelt down in front of her but didn’t make an effort to touch her, “can you explain what happened?”

 

“Is Krem okay?” she whispered. “Cullen I didn’t mean to...my control just snapped and it was fucking stupid.” Just when people were starting to express their liking towards her, Fen’nas had to go and do something like this.” She wanted nothing more than to just curl in on herself and hide away for the rest of the war.

 

“Krem is fine,” Cullen told her. “A couple of scratches but otherwise he’s okay.” The commander squeezed his fists and tried to get his body to relax, Fen’nas was nothing like many of the mages he’d met in the past and he didn’t want to let that experience get in the way of the friendship she’d formed with him. He _had_ to keep reminding himself of that, Fen’nas was _not_ an abomination of any kind. Cullen got to his feet and offered her his hand, “you need to come back and get a healer to look at that gash on your head.”

 

Fen’nas hesitated as she looked at the man’s hand. “You should hate me.”

 

“But I don’t.” There was endless patience in the man’s voice and Cullen wiggled his fingers. “Fen’nas, if you won’t come back with me I shall have to sit here in the cold with you.”

 

“Don’t be stupid Cullen!” she scoffed.

 

“Why not?” he frowned. “You seem to be doing a rather impressive impression of stupidity.” Cullen smiled a little when he watched Fen’nas take his hand, he pulled her to her feet and brushed some snow out of her hair, earning a slight blush from the elf that automatically made him drop her hand. “My apologies, Lady Lavellan.”

 

Fen’nas let loose a string of elven curse words and stomped off back towards Haven, ignoring Cullen as he followed her.

 

* * *

 

They labelled it the Incident and left it at that.

 

After returning back to Haven, Fen’nas gave most people a wide birthe which of course forced Krem to track the elf down and drag her off to the tavern for drinks and a good time with the Chargers. The mage felt ridiculously awful for what she’d done but none of the Chargers seemed to mind, and Krem _had_ insisted that he’d gotten much worse than a simple strike of lightning in a bar fight. Fen’nas wasn’t sure what to make of that and it was hard to forgive herself even if they did.

 

For weeks afterwards there were all kinds of comments that came her way in quiet, sneered breaths. Being called a fucking knife-ear and an abomination by the people that she was supposed to protect made the Incident sit in her bones and she hated it. Late on, if anyone asked why Fen’nas had chosen to side with the mages over the templars, she would admit that it was for this that she did it. She may have been an elf, a Dalish elf at that, but mages were her people too.

 

Of course there were people that were angry about the choice to go to Redcliff but Fen’nas had had it with their choice of opinion. She was the Herald, it was her decision and no Seeker or First Enchanter or whining nobles would sway her opinion. Before they went, Bull and Cassandra wanted to make sure she was properly prepared after their last journey to the Hinterlands nearly ended badly for her which of course meant armor over robes...well more like a combination of the two.

 

Harritt had outdone himself this time, he called the gear she was wearing battle mage armor and he had worked around the clock with his apprentice and two others to create it for her. It was light enough for her to be able to move around in and thanks to the fabric, she was able to store magic inside her clothes for a short time. The metal parts of her armor were made from a white, lightweight metal that Fen’nas couldn’t even begin to name and the leather and fabric were various shades of light blue that made both her hair and vallaslin practically pop. Her favorite parts of the armor had to be the pauldrons that were shaped like the head of a wolf and the sigil for Clan Lavellan stamped into the leather on her back.

 

It was a bit difficult to figure out how to put on but she managed it. Just as she’d finished with the final strap on her armor, there was a sharp knock on her chamber doors. Fen’nas arched an eyebrow in question and looked down at Ghi’lan who huffed and closed his golden eyes so he could get a little more sleep before their journey to Redcliff. She laughed and crossed over to open the door, stopping in her tracks when she found herself face-to-face with Cullen. The elf hadn’t seen much of them man in the last few weeks, he’d been doing some traveling of his own and bringing in some new recruits. The mage was just happy to be able to see him before going on her own trip. “Cullen you’re back!”

 

Only Cullen didn’t answer. He was _staring_ at her like he’d never seen her before. Fen’nas waved her hand in front of the commander’s face before she clicked her fingers to bring him out of...whatever trance he was in. Cullen shook his head, trying to shake it off and coughed to clear his throat. “And you’re about to leave to go after the mages, I was hoping I would catch you before you left.”

 

“Well you certainly caught me at a good time,” Fen’nas answered. She pushed her braid over her shoulder where it rested and then sat her staff by the door. “I’d just finished putting this on. You like it? Harritt did a really good job didn’t he?”

 

“I saw the design before I left,” Cullen admitted. “Seeing it on paper and then seeing it on you...the drawings do not do the armour justice. It fits you...very good.”

 

Fen’nas could have sworn that Cullen looked a little...flushed...or was that her? She resisted the urge to touch her own cheeks to see if they were hot. “I should probably go.”

 

Cullen startled a little and held out a small bag that he’d nearly forgotten he was holding. “I-got you something Fen’nas.”

 

“Really?” The elf took the bag off him and opened it, there was a necklace inside and when Fen’nas tipped it out, she realised that there was a wolf pendant hanging off the delicate chain with tiny pale blue stones for eyes. The breath hitched in her throat and suddenly the Herald of Andraste had to remember that breathing was essential to living. “Cullen this is _beautiful_! I can’t take-”

 

“You can, and you will,” Cullen cut her off. He took the necklace out of her hands and proceeded to walk behind her so he could put it on. “I don’t know what compelled me to get this but I saw it and it reminded me of you.” The two of them stood there in complete silence for what seemed like forever before Ghi’lan sneezed, making them startle. “I should get going, I’m sure I have a pile of reports on my desk that require attention. Good luck with the mages and don’t forget your staff.” If Cullen could have left the room quicker he would have teleported.

 

Fen’nas watched the empty doorway for a few minutes before she tucked the wolf pendant underneath her shirt for protection and grabbed her staff on the way out. Her travelling companions were waiting for when she arrived, Solas didn’t look too happy with being made to wait but then again, the guy always looked like he’d sucked on a lemon. Fen’nas stroked the muzzle of her horse before she mounted and came beside Cassandra. “Let’s go meet Grand Enchanter Fiona.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wolf and lion are too fucking cute for their own good 
> 
> Quick note - for Fen's armor, it's like an altered version of the Grey Warden light armor called 'In War, Victory' but instead of the flashy pauldron she has wolf heads cause her name means Wolf Soul and I like wolves..here have more wolves


	4. Beats til the song disappears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things at Redcliffe start to heat up, a magister that shouldn't be there is experimenting with magic that can't be possible and Fen'nas gains herself a new ally in the Inquisition's war

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have some in game dialogue this chapter and I've tweaked Dorian's fabulous entry just a little to suit Fen's I hate Tevinter outlook on life. Like seriously how can a Dalish elf just be all cool with anyone from Tevinter without wanting to strangle them?
> 
> I have no beta so all mistakes are my own.
> 
> I do not own Dragon Age, I'm just playing in it's castle

Anything from Tevinter had a habit of leaving a foul taste in her mouth and made her skin crawl, like it was covered in spiders. How Fen’nas Lavellan hated spiders and magisters...and not in that order...both were slimy, creepy and it was in their nature to poison others...at least with one of them it was just animal instincts. When their little band arrived in Redcliffe, the Herald had expected an easy meeting w ith Grand Enchanter Fiona but instead she got herself a meeting with Magister Gereon Alexius who she had to resist flattening with her staff. Then the arrogant bastard had the balls to cut their meeting short like she was the one that had to cater to his every goddamn whim. Okay, yes, the man’s son was ill or something and had slipped her a note to come see him but Fen’nas was at no one’s beckon and call. Fuck Tevinter. 

 

After a...rather heated discussion with Cassandra and Solas, the three of them decided to settle in at the inn whilst Varric swindled the good folks in a couple games of cards. Fen’nas stripped out of her armor and had herself a soak in a hot bath before she donned a dress made of light blue fabric that caught in the summer breeze she’d picked up at the market on the way in. She pulled her hair out and rebrushed it, ultimately deciding to leave it out since it had been way too long since she’d done it. 

 

Cassandra was downstairs in the tavern glaring at Varric across the table and Solas was nowhere to be seen. The seeker straightened up when she saw Fen’nas descend the stairs and come over to the table. She’d certainly  _ never _ seen the Herald looking so...ethereal before, the elf looked like she was about physically jump into one of those paintings of elven maidens dancing in the springtime. “Herald-”

 

“Fen’nas, please,” she smiled, hovering at the side of the table. “I’m going to do a little shopping whilst I mull over what to do next.” She was not going to meet Felix in the chantry, no sir she was not. 

 

“Cute necklace little wolf,” Varric noted. He’d noticed the necklace a few days ago when she was helping with dinner but said nothing of it, but now he knew he’d never seen it before and they had done a lot of travelling together. 

 

Fen’nas glanced down and felt her cheeks heat up a little. “It was a gift...from Commander Cullen.” A smile pulled at her lips and instantly she regretted the action when she realized that both Varric and Cassandra were staring at her with eyebrows arched in question. “Oh shut up,” she flushed before rushing out of the tavern. As if she didn’t have enough to worry about with the breach, the mages and templars and now this fluttering feeling in the pit of her stomach whenever she thought of the commander was just the icing on top of the very screwed up cake. Fen’nas mumbled under her breath and headed into the market, aiming to get lost in the crowd. 

 

She wandered around for a while, aiming to make sure that she wasn’t being followed before making her way up to the chantry at the top of the small town. Cassandra and Solas had ultimately overruled her decision to meet with Felix but she’d chosen to go anyway. It wouldn’t surprise her if one of them was following her. She was the Herald damnit. Fen’nas approached the chantry door slowly and cautiously as her hand twinged, the mark started to spark. She cursed under her breath and threw the doors open to find a rift right in the middle of the room. How in the name of Fen’Harel had no one in the village? Especially in a village full of mages?! Morons.

 

Fen’nas cocked her head to the side as she watched a mage slaughter a couple of sloth demons fresh from the rift. “Good, you’re finally here, now help me close this would you?” She didn’t need to be told twice. Without her staff, the mage’s magic was twice as unpredictable as it usually was but Fen’nas didn’t let that stop her from throwing lighting at a demon that came from the rift. Like she’d told Cassandra on their first fight together, she didn’t need her staff to be dangerous even if there was something...off about this rift. Things seemed to slow down like each second that passed took an eternity to tick by. 

 

When the demon fell, she threw her hand up in the air and pushed past the fire sweeping up her arm as the mark flared, green sparks shooting everywhere. The backlash from closing a rift was always the part she hated, it was like a band of rubber snapping back into place painfully and without mercy. Fen’nas was thrown backwards and she nearly fell but managed to keep her footing. She caught herself on a pillar and wrapped a hand around her wrist, sending a shot of cold through her burning limb. “W-what were you doing?” she managed to spit out at the man.

 

Any colour that Fen’nas had in her face drained away when she realized who she was actually alone with. Before anything else could pass between the two of them, the elf launched herself at him and knocked his legs out from under him, a move Krem had made her practice over and over again until she got it right. Fen’nas wrapped her hands around his throat as tiny sparks of lightning danced over her skin. 

 

He looked up at her with a smirk on his face. “My dear, would you care to get off me before someone gets the wrong idea?” the mage asked her, eyebrow raised. 

 

“Tevinter. I fucking hate Tevinter,” Fen’nas hissed, glaring at him with fire in her eyes. Her Keeper had warned her numerous times about the Emperium and whilst she always took those warnings to heart, something told her that this Vint was not as dangerous as the others in Tevinter. She pulled her hands away from his throat and got to her feet, offering her hand to him. 

 

The mage was silent as he studied her. “The whole business with the mark, fascinating. How does it work exactly?” When she didn’t respond, he took it as the answer he was after. “You don’t even know, do you? You just wiggle your fingers and boom, rift closes.”

 

Fen’nas was pretty sure that wasn’t exactly how it worked but the description was pretty accurate. “Who are you?” She tried to keep the disdain out of her voice but she couldn’t in the slightest. 

 

“Ah, getting ahead of myself I see,” he smirked. “Dorian, of House Pavus, most recently of Manrathous. How do you do?” he asked with a slightly mocking bow. 

 

“Oh I’m just great,” she answered dryly. Fen’nas crossed her arms against her chest and glared at the mage. “My companions didn’t want me to come, told me it was a trap but I came anyway. Are you here to prove them right?”

 

“Magister Alexius was once my mentor,” the man-Dorian informed her. “So my assistance should be valuable, as I’m sure you can imagine.”

 

Fen’nas looked around the chantry and sighed. “I was expecting Felix to be here.”

 

Dorian glanced at the door before bringing his gaze back to the elf in front of him. “I’m sure he’s on his way. He was to give you the note, then meet us here after ditching his father.”

 

“Okay, I gotta get this out of my mouth before I say something I really shouldn’t say, but are you a magister?” Fen’nas spat the word out like it was something dirty. She’d lost friends to slavers when she was a teenager and she had no intention of bantering lightly with one if he was. As if Alexius wasn’t enough. 

 

Dorian sighed in annoyance. “All right. Let’s say this once. I’m a mage from Tevinter, but not a member of the Magisterium. I know southerners use the terms interchangeably, but that only makes you sound like barbarians.”

 

Fen’nas scoffed. Arrogant jerk. She shifted on her feet. “So you’re betraying your mentor because...?”

 

“Alexius  _ was _ my mentor,” Dorian scoffed. “Meaning he’s not any longer, not for some time. Look, you must know there’s danger. That should be obvious, even without the note,” he pointed out. “Let’s start with Alexius claiming the allegiance of the mage rebels out from under you as if by magic, yes?” When Fen’nas nodded, he continued. “Which is exactly right. To reach Redcliffe before the Inquisition, Alexius distorted time itself.”

 

“Well that sounds really bad,” Fen’nas frowned. As a mage, she’d never heard of magic revolving around time before but than again, magic was all about discovery and exploration when the chantry wasn’t being a bitch about it. 

 

“Indeed,” he nodded. “The rift you closed here? You say how it twisted time around itself, sped some things up and slowed others down. Soon there will be more like it, and they’ll appear further and further away from Redcliffe. The magic Alexius is wildly unstable and it’s unraveling the world.”

 

“You’re asking me to take a lot on faith,” the elf warned him. 

 

“I know what I’m talking about,” Dorian argued bitterly. “I helped develop this magic. When I was still his apprentice, it was pure theory. Alexius could never get it to work. What I don’t understand is why he’s doing it? Ripping time to shreds just to gain a few hundred lackeys?”

 

“He didn’t do it for them.” And there was the messenger boy himself. Felix nodded to Fen’nas before turning his attention to Dorian.

 

“Took you long enough,” the mage nodded. “Is he getting suspicious?” 

 

Felix shook his head. “No. But I shouldn’t have played the illness card. I thought he’d be fussing over me all day.” The men turned his attention back to Fen’nas, “my father’s joined a cult, Tevinter supremacists. They call themselves Venatori. And I can tell you one thing; whatever he’s done for them, he’s done to get to you.”

 

“Why?” the mage asked him. “Why arrange all of this, messing with time, taking the mages? Why do all of this to get to me?” Fen’nas questioned. She crossed her arms and tapped her fingers against her arm as the mark twinged on her palm. “I don’t understand.”

 

“They’re obsessed with you, but I don’t know why,” Felix admitted. “Perhaps because you survived the Temple of Sacred Ashes?” he suggested. He had to admit that he  _ really _ didn’t understand his father’s actions because of this tiny, tiny little elf who looked like a strong wind could knock her over. 

 

“I hazard it has something to do with the fact that she can close the rifts,” Dorian suggested. “There’s maybe a connection there? Or they see her as a threat?”

 

“Just fucking great,” Fen’nas growled. She ran a hand through her hair and unconsciously grasped the pendant around her neck, drawing strength from it. “All this for me? And here I didn’t get Alexius anything.”

 

Dorian smirked. “Send him a fruit basket, everyone loves those.” Fen’nas found herself giggling slightly at his attitude despite the current situation they were in. “You know you’re his target. Expecting the trap is the first step in turning it to your advantage. I can’t stay in Redcliffe, Alexius doesn’t know I’m here, and I want to keep it that way for now,” he told him. “But whenever you’re ready to deal with him, I want to be there.”

 

Fen’nas tightened her grip on the pendant, yet another thing to decide on. As if her list wasn’t big enough. Her hands fell down her side and she watched Dorian go before turning to Felix, “thank you, for all of this. Going against your father might not be an easy thing to do but it is the right thing.” She bowed her head respectfully and went outside. 

 

It was clear that Fen’nas Lavellan had a lot to think about whilst she walked around Redcliffe. Time magic, magisters, Vint’s with a good heart? It was all far fetched but the way the rifts around the village had been acting, it was very plausible. Screwed up, but plausible. Cassandra was going to lecture her when Fen’nas told the seeker what was going on but she was glad that she went behind her back. 

 

A little shopping before she returned to her party would give Fen’nas time to go over her thoughts and perhaps find a return gift for the commander. She couldn’t just take something without giving back. It was only by sheer accident that she’d found it. The elf was taking a breather on the sidewall of the blacksmith’s workshop; it was strange but the sound of the hammer hitting the metal was oddly soothing in a way. Fen’nas looked up as a customer put a dagger back down on the table and walked away, she perked up and went over, a smile pulling at her lips when she realized how  _ perfect _ it was in the way of a thank you gift. “Excuse me, master blacksmith, how much for this dagger?”

 

The man turned around to answer and stopped in his tracks, eyes watching her with mistrust that quickly faded away when he realized who was asking about his goods. “Oh...Lady Herald, what can I do for you this fine afternoon?”

 

“This dagger?” Fen’nas asked again, picking it up and holding it out for him to see. “How much? And don’t mark things down simply because I have a title.” Josephine had been setting money aside for her each time they went out and whilst Fen’nas barely used it, she had been keeping it incase she found something she liked. 

 

“Ten gold coins, my lady,” he answered. 

 

“Make it twelve and can you throw in some cleaning rags and oils to clean the weapon?” Fen’nas asked him. “This blade...it’s perfect, just what I was looking for.” She handed some coins over to him and unsheathed the blade to get a better look at it. The pommel of the dagger had a ruby set in gold, the colour scheme continued down to the grip where red and gold leather wrapped around each other and there was the head of a lion engraved in the quillon block that housed a steel blade. Fen’nas lightly pricked her finger and winced when she saw a droplet of her own blood well on her pale skin. “This is perfect,” she smiled, placing the dagger back into the sheath. “I’ll take it.”

 

“Pleasure doing business with you Lady Herald,” the blacksmith bowed respectfully. 

 

She took the cleaning rags and oil in her other hand than started back to the inn where her travel companions were just being served dinner. Even Solas was there. “Enjoy your game Varric? Did you win?”

 

“Of course,” the dwarf laughed. He arched an eyebrow at the goods in her arms. “Is that a gift for curly?” Varric teased. 

 

Fen’nas stuck her tongue out at him in a childish manner as she sat down. She placed the dagger in her lap and ignored the disapproving look she was getting from Solas and the slight smirk from Cassandra. “Leave it alone Varric.” 

 

“You’ve got it bad little wolf,” the dwarf smirked.

 

“I don’t  _ have _ anything bad Varric,” Fen’nas answered curtly. “In fact, I don’t even know what having it bad even means at this point. What do I have that is so bad dwarf?” She snatched a chip off the rogues plate and ate it before brushing her hand off, trying to ignore the stunned look on his face followed by his booming laughter. “So I went to the chantry to meet with Felix,” Fen’nas answered, her voice low in case of listening ears. 

 

“You what?!” Cassandra hissed. “We agreed that you wouldn’t go.”

 

“You agreed, I didn’t,” Fen’nas shot back. “I met with someone else...another Vint. He wants to help with Alexius but...you’ll never guess what. He told me that Alexius is using time magic which would explain why the rifts have been doing some pretty weird shit lately and the rift that was in the Chantry.”

 

“There was a rift in the chantry?” Solas asked, speaking up. 

 

Fen’nas nodded. She instantly put her hand on the table, knowing that the apostate would want to look at it like he always did after she used it. “Don’t worry Solas, I was able to control the burn.” She felt his cold fingers ghost across her skin but turned her focus to Cassandra. “What does the Inquisition know about the Venatori?”


	5. Somebody shine a light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After recruiting the mages, the Inquisition begins their plans to close the breach. Right now it's all just waiting...like the calm before the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always wanted my Herald/Inquisitor to be like stupidly close friends with Bull, Krem and the Chargers, I feel like there could be a lot of exploration into that and since I can't do that in the game, I'm doing that here.
> 
> I have no beta so all mistakes are my own.
> 
> I do not own Dragon Age, I'm just playing in it's castle

She couldn’t get it out of her mind, the image of Leliana getting her throat slit as the Elder One’s forces stormed the castle, Varric and Cassandra infected with red lyrium and the pain inside her heart at knowing that the whole world literally rested on her shoulders. She’d seen the world and what it would be like without her in it and it was like being thrown in a tub of ice cold water. But through it all, Fen’nas recruited the mages to the Inquisition with a full partnership much to the chargrine of several of her party that shall remain nameless.

 

When they returned to Haven and the inner council started drafting plans to lay siege to the breach along with the mages to show that they were serious about an alliance. Fen’nas left the planning up to those she trusted and stuck to the shadows, agreeing with what was best at the time. She was lost, like a ship adrift in the ocean. How does one get over seeing a future where all your friends and companions were dead and you had to watch them die?

 

“You don’t,” Fen’nas frowned as she lay there in her bed staring at the roof above her. She sighed and threw the covers back as she climbed out of bed and practically snuke passed Ghi’lan who was sleeping by the fire. The elf felt a stab of jealousy at the fact her companion could sleep so soundly without a care in the world, she used to be like that. It was snowing lightly when she left her room, the chill on the air should have bothered her but she was Dalish, this was nothing compared to what she’d had to endure some winters. Fen’nas wriggled her toes into the fresh snow on the ground and smiled softly as several flakes landed on her nose. The world would be a much simpler place if snow could wash away all her worries.

 

There was no way that Fen’nas was going to be able to sleep tonight so the elf ducked back into her borrowed home and retrieved the dagger she’d gotten for Cullen. A walk might help ease her back into the world of blissful sleep and she could leave the dagger in his tent at the same time. Varric often spoke about hitting two birds with one stone and this was one of those situations where the idiom worked perfectly. Across the yard she went and down the stairs, passed the guards who nodded happily at her as they let her through the gates.

 

In the day there were usually throngs of former templars and new recruits training to fight for the Inquisition, Cullen standing over them watching like a lion watching over its pride. Sometimes Fen’nas found herself sitting up on the walls or in the trees watching them...well, watching him...Varric was right, she did have it bad {that was a conversation that she didn’t want to have again}. The elf pressed her lips together as she found herself standing in front of the commander’s tent, she hadn’t expected light to be coming from within the man’s private refuge but Fen’nas could see it flickering through the cracks in the fabric. She nearly turned around and returned back to her bed but her hand moved on its own accord and softly knocked on the wooden tent pole.

 

“Who’s there?” a surprised voice queried from inside.

 

“It’s me,” she answered, “Fen’nas. I was going for a...I can’t sleep and I saw your...can I come in?” the mage asked boldly. She waited silently and nearly jumped back when the tent flap opened to expose a rather shocked looking commander. “I’m not here at a bad time am I?” she whispered.

 

Cullen shook his head. “Fen’nas you’ll catch a cold like that.”

 

She looked down at the tunic and leggings she wore and shrugged. “I”m Dalish Cullen, a bit of snow like this is nothing.” Fen’nas shifted a little and waited for Cullen to move aside so she could go inside. “I won’t stay for long but I just wanted to give you something.” Fen’nas held the dagger out and waited nervously for him to take it.

 

He took the dagger and slipped it from the sheath to get a better look at both the blade and the design. “You came out in the middle of the night whilst it’s starting to snow to give me a gift?” Cullen smiled softly. “Thank you Fen’nas.”

 

The mage smiled slightly and giggled suddenly. “You accepted it much better than I accepted yours.” Fen’nas shifted and tucked her arms behind her back. “Cullen...you’re a soldier, a warrior...I know you were in Kirkwall so you would have seen some...interesting things...I just...I can’t get the image out of my mind of Leliana dying, Cassandra and Varric infected with red lyrium. I saw what would happen in a world without me and suddenly it’s like... _fenedhis iasa_!” she hissed, sparks dancing across her skin and through her hair. “I’m selfish.”

 

The commander couldn’t find it within himself to stop her from ranting so instead he just let her go. Cullen sheathed the dagger and set it on the table where he had been working on his own plans for the breach, he pulled the chair out and offered her a place to sit. “I thought you looked tired. Sit for a while then you can return to your bed.”

 

She wrinkled her nose up but sat down anyway, folding her hands in her lap with a small sigh. “I apologize, I did not come here with the intention of ranting like a mad woman. I guess it’s just hit me hard now that I know how _important_ I am to the Inquisition,” Fen’nas confessed. “I always had this little idea in the back of my head that I could slip away one day and just not come back, return to my clan and continue on as second to the Keeper...it was silly but it was my backup plan. Not unlike the ones you and the mages are going over to work on closing the breach with me, but it was still mine. And now I know what will happen if I run. _Everyone will die!_ ” She slowly lent forward and face planted into the desk with a soft groan. “Instead of listening to me whine, talk me through the plans for the men with the breach,” she suggested.

 

Cullen leant against the desk and picked up a bit of paper. “Now this is working off what the mages have already drawn up but with the added addition of the Inquisition soldiers taking key points to protect the mages incase the demons get passed the first wave. And you are the first wave so let’s not try and get ourselves killed.” He looked down at Fen’nas who was staring at him with her pale blue eyes whilst her head rested on the table. Cullen got the feeling that if he spoke for much longer she would fall asleep. “Perhaps you should return to your chambers before you fall asleep. Neither of us need this to become gossip between the men. You’re more than that.”

 

“I’m really not,” Fen’nas answered. She stood up and stretched out before walking to the entrance of the tent. “Cullen...I need to ask you something and I...need an honest answer. Varric...said something and then he had to explain it because I didn’t understand what he was talking about.” She watched the man closely and closed her eyes. “When I was trapped with Dorian in the future I worried about all of my friends but you more than most. I was far more...frantic about the idea of you being dead...more than most...I think I might-”

 

The words caught in the back of her throat when two guards walked by on their midnight patrol. Suddenly it was like all the courage that Fen’nas had was gone. She gulped and curled her fists together. “Good night commander.”

 

“Fen’nas-” There was something in the commander's voice that made her heart sink in her chest. Almost like a kind of pain unique but very similar to her own.

 

Fen’nas hurried off, her cheeks blazing scarlet as she cursed herself to the ends of the world and back again for nearly doing something so _stupid_ . The Herald of Andraste should _not_ admit that she harbours feelings for the Inquisition’s commander. Fen’nas wanted to hit something or someone and make it hurt really, _really_ badly...just like she was.

 

* * *

 

With a swing of her staff, Fen’nas knocked Krem’s legs out from under him and watched as the Charger hit the ground with a thud. “You’re getting better at that,” Krem chuckled when the elf offered him her hand. “At least you’re not just wildly smacking things around with your staff anymore, there’s a pattern to your crazy.

 

“Oh please, you like my crazy,” Fen’nas laughed. They were going after the breach tomorrow so everyone was planning and getting ready for a fight, nobody knew how it was going to turn out so right now the tension in the air over Haven was so thick, you could cut it with a blunt dagger. She swung her staff over her shoulder and pulled the Charger to his feet with a grunt. “Well that settles it, I’m crazy and you’re heavy.”

 

“You weigh nothing,” he snorted. “And it’s all muscle if you must know Fen. Give me a few more months and maybe we can put some muscle on your.” Krem poked her side and grinned wickedly at the high-pitched giggle that came out of their Herald. “You’re ticklish!”

 

“Don’t you dare!” Fen’nas yelled, noting the evil glint in the man’s eyes. The elf backed away as Krem took a step towards her, “Krem I swear I will shock you into next month if you do that again.” This was playful, considering what they were all possibly going to face tomorrow, playful was nice, it was just what they needed.

 

“You win your ladyship,” Krem laughed. “Come have a drink with us at the tavern, you’re always welcome among the Chargers.”

 

“Isn’t that more Bull’s place to say that?” Fen’nas questioned.

 

“Probably,” Krem shrugged. He tugged at her tunic and dragged the elf along the path into Haven and straight towards the tavern where most of the Chargers seemed to have taken up permanent residents much to Sara’s annoyance. “Hey chief, you don’t care if Fen drinks with us?”

 

“I don’t drink,” the elf argued even though she willingly sat down beside the hulking Qunari. “But anything is better than being out there with that tension. People keep looking at me.” Fen’nas sank back in her seat and glanced at Bull who tossed some cards her way. “Gonna teach me how to play Wicked Grace huh?” the elf asked him.

 

“Nothing says teach like throwing you in the deep end,” he chuckled. “Right boss?”

 

Fen’nas played with the pendant around her neck and nodded. “Sure. If you say so.” The elf picked up her cards and stared at them as Bull started to explain to her how the game worked, most of it went over her head but a majority of it did make sense of it in a way. They had none of this in her clan and Fen’nas had vague memories of her parents playing this game with friends a long time ago.

 

As the afternoon carried on, day turned into night and by that point the mage was simply enjoying watching everyone play instead of participating in the game. She’d lost a couple of hands before winning one, after that Fen’nas decided to just watch as to not go back to that losing streak as Varric happily put it.

 

“You ever thought about going back home after the breach is sealed?” The question that Varric asked her literally came out of nowhere right in the middle of a round and it certainly made Fen’nas think about that. Could she return home after everything that she’d seen?

 

She studied the dwarf over the cup of water she was sipping on and shrugged. “Honestly Varric, can I?” Fen’nas asked. “I volunteered for the conclave to get out of a forced bonding with someone from another clan. Josephine got a letter from my Keeper who strongly suggested that I stay here and do what I’d been chosen to do and the longer I stay, the more I think that my little world is no longer open to me anymore.”

 

“You’re always welcome in Kirkwall,” Varric told her.

 

She snorted. “I was born in Kirkwall Varric, at this point it would be like going home. I don’t think I’m cut out to live in a city. And since technically without a clan I would be considered an apostate-”

 

“And your defensive capabilities leave a lot to be desired,” Krem teased.

 

Fen’nas stuck her tongue out at him and turned back to Varric. “I don’t know what I’m going to do Varric. Especially with this.” She held up her gloved hand that sparked a little before hiding it back in her lap.

 

“Well, like Krem said, you’re always welcome with the Chargers,” Bull grunted.

 

“Bull you’re sweet,” Fen’nas smiled. “I could certainly see myself as a mercenary, I’d have you all wearing flower crowns before you knew it.”

 

“You keep that crap away from me,” Bull deadpanned. The look on the man’s face sent the entire table into uncontrollable laughter that seemed to infect the entire atmosphere of the tavern. It even got a smile from the Qunari himself. “The offer is there boss,” he told her seriously once the laughter died down.

 

Fen’nas nodded. “At least it’s an option I can consider and I would be honoured to be a part of your family.” She felt a burst of happiness in her heart, at least she had somewhere to go once this was all over...and it was hard to believe that this would be all over tomorrow - one way or the other.

 

It was right about the time that Bull finally beat Varric in a hand that Josephine came bristling in along with Cassandra to drag Fen’nas off to a last minute planning meeting. It wasn’t like she was going to sleep anyway so the elf willingly allowed her abduction to the war room where Leliana and Cullen already where.

 

She was sure the red in her cheeks was so bright it could be seen from Tevinter. If anyone saw it, they chose to ignore it. The commander nodded to her and turned his attention back to the map on the table. Fen’nas nearly squealed excitedly when she saw that he was wearing the dagger, tucked safely in his belt only to disappear from sight when he leant forward to pick something up.

 

“Is something the matter Herald?” Josephine asked, watching her across the table.

 

Fen’nas shook her head. “No, I’m fine. Let’s go over this one more time before we show the Elder One what we’re made of.”

 

Strangely, something in the back of her mind wanted to know if that’s what famous last words sounded like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at those dorks dancing around their feelings...
> 
> \---
> 
> I have this habit of making playlists for OC's and here is one for Fen'nas - https://open.spotify.com/user/e03wy6rh0f4t589ru9n4ynck3/playlist/2XMWEYTsQhciDIDxaSY4bk


	6. I'm frozen by the fear in me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They’d closed the breach, it was supposed to be over...at least that was what they’d thought. One moment they were celebrating and dancing then the next moment they were screaming and burning...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally finished Mass Effect last night and now I'm stupidly bored and have nothing to do since I've smashed through both it and Dragon Age...maybe back to Skyrim for now?
> 
> I have no beta so all mistakes are my own.
> 
> I do not own Dragon Age, I'm just playing in it's castle

They’d closed the breach, it was supposed to be over...at least that was what they’d thought. One moment they were celebrating and dancing then the next moment they were screaming and burning. People were celebrating all over Haven and even Fen’nas could finally find herself a moment to breath and relax, hours earlier she’d been at the Temple of Sacred Ashes where it had all begun and now it was over. Of course there were rifts that still needed to be closed, she was sure that in a couple of days they could start planning to track down those last few cracks between the real world and the Fade...but now…

 

“I can breath again…” She could have joined them in their celebrations but from where she was perched on the roof of the tavern, Fen’nas found herself enjoying the spotlight being off her for once. At least no one would be able to see her from up here even if they were looking for her. Well that should have been the plan anyway....why did Cassandra have a thing against Fen’nas and her plans?

 

“Herald, I know you’re up there!” the Seeker called out, standing on the ground just outside the front of the tavern. “Your wolf is down here.” Cassandra tossed Ghi’lan a chunk of meat she’d stolen for him from the kitchens and crossed her arms to patiently wait for the Herald to stop being childish. “Fen’nas.”

 

“See you can use my name,” the elf smirked. She stuck her head over the side of the roof and jumped down without warning, the grace of a cat was in her movements when she landed on both her feet. “Is there something you wanted to see me about?” Fen’nas asked her. 

 

“I was just speaking with Solas,” Cassandra told her. Seeing the expression on her face, the Seeker chuckled slightly. “You do not like him at all, do you?” she questioned curiously. 

 

“I don’t think it’s a matter of disliking him,” she replied, “more like if he stays over there, I’ll stay over here and all will be right in the universe.” She fingered the pendant around her neck and sighed before she fell beside Cassandra in a slow walk back towards the chantry. “I guess we don’t understand each other. So, what did Solas have to say?” 

 

“That the heavens are scarred but calm,” she answered, “the breach has been closed.” There was an expression of calmness on her face but that hardness was still there in Cassandra’s eyes, the hardness of a warrior she had to guess. All fighters that Fen’nas had run into had that same hardness about them. “There are reports of lingering rifts but we can, and will, close them. There are still a lot of questions that need to be answered and I’m sure they will be given time, but for now, this is a victory. Your victory.”

 

Fen’nas shook her head. “Creators no, it’s  _ our _ victory Cassandra. We did it, I just happened to stumble blindly into the middle of it luckily.” 

 

“That is a strange kind of luck,” Cassandra warned her. “And I don’t know if that brings me any kind of comfort Fen’nas, you seem to have a string of it.” When the Herald stuck her tongue out at her, she couldn’t help but laugh. “You are right though, this was a victory of alliances. One of few in recent memory.”

 

Fen’nas snorted. “Indeed. All you  _ shem _ ...I mean people,” she corrected herself. “All you people seem entirely too focused on who is the one to come out on top that it’s hard for you all to work together. But look at it Cassandra,” she suggested, waving a hand out over the people. “We have mages, apostates, an altus from Tevinter, Dalish elves, city elves, former templars, a Qunari, dwarves, humans...there has  _ never _ been such a gathering of species before Cassandra. My one wish is for it to stay this way.  _ An alliance for all equally _ .” 

 

“You speak as if you won’t be sticking around,” Cassandra noted. 

 

She intended to say no, that she wasn’t going to stay around. The breach was closed, once the lingering rifts were gone Fen’nas Lavellan was going to spend a significant amount of time with Bull and the Chargers, getting to know the outside world...the bells that were now ringing loudly in her head just mocked her and told a different story. “Well fuck me,” Fen’nas whispered, seeing the fires in the distance. She and Cassandra glanced at each other then down to the gate. “You go to the gate, I need to get my staff!” Fen’nas whistled to Ghi’lan and ran off towards her borrowed home. 

 

Her staff was just tossed carelessly on the bed with her armor and it had stayed the whilst she bathed and went to join the rest of the festivities. She grabbed the conduit and ran back out the door, down towards the gates. “So what did I miss?” Fen’nas asked, staring at the young man that had just been let in. “Adopting more strays are we?” she frowned, moving out to meet him, Cullen close behind her. It was a small comfort to have the commander at her back. 

 

“I’m Cole.” He said it almost like it answered  _ every _ question in the world. “I came to warn you. To help. People are coming to hurt you. You probably already know.”

 

“Story of my fucking life right now,” Fen’nas muttered under her breath. “Alright Cole, who’s come to kill me and are they alright to get in line?” Now probably wasn’t the time for her trademark sarcasm but Fen’nas didn’t really care. 

 

“The templars come to kill you.” 

 

_ Well fuck _ . Fen’nas glanced sideways at Cullen as he spoke, she was practically waiting for the  _ I told you so _ to come out of his mouth but all there was appeared to be panic and concern. She could hear it in his voice just as much as she felt it in her heart, they weren’t going to survive an attack like this. 

 

“The red templars went to the Elder One,” Cole answered. “You know him. He knows you. You took his mages,” he accused, looking at Fen’nas before turning his gaze back to the hill.

 

“I took his mages?!” Fen’nas scowled, setting her gaze on two figures on the hill, she couldn’t quite make them out but a feeling of dread pooled in the bottom of her stomach. “Of all the childish reactions, what next? Can’t play in his sandbox?!” She resisted the urge to kick something...or hit it with her staff. The elf turned to her commander {weird...when did she start thinking of him as hers?}. “Give me a plan Cullen, give me something, anything so we can get these people somewhere safe.”

 

Cullen jumped on it quicker than anything she’d ever seen before. “Haven is no fortress. If we are to withstand this monster, we must control the battle. Get out there and help hit that force. Use everything you can.”

 

Lightning crackled at the tips of her fingers. “Use everything huh?” Fen’nas smirked. “You got it commander.” She gripped her staff and was about to run out to help but realised Cullen was grabbing her arm tightly. “Cullen?”

 

“You come back,” he told her. It was an order, plain and simple but there was all kinds of emotions in it that made them both heat up. 

 

“I-I will,” she whispered. “Cullen-”

 

“Fen’nas!” Cassandra called out. “Come on!” The seeker brushed passed the mage and practically pulled her along.

 

_ Whatever power that is out there watching this...give me strength to come back alive… _

 

Turning her attention to the task at hand, Fen’nas poured all of her focus on what was to be their field of battle. She rushed ahead, moving in front of the force alongside her, it danced at her fingertips as lightning cracked in the skies, it felt good to have such a raw presence itching underneath her skin and all over her body. It was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. She  _ wanted _ to unleash, she  _ wanted _ to hear them scream...to smell it as her power ripped through them. Fen’nas twirled her staff in her hands and slammed the butt of her weapon on the ground as all hell broke loose around her.  _ I don’t need a staff to be dangerous but it sure does help. _ As if on command, white hot lightning descended from the heavens, the strikes bending and twisting violently as it took the form of wolves charging after their prey. 

 

“Well shit, that’s some kind of display little wolf,” Varric managed to speak, his voice coming out in a strangled whisper. When the elf turned to face him, he nearly jumped out of his skin, the look on her face was wild, untempered and oddly pure...it was strange but he could have sworn that she was enjoying this. 

 

“He said to use everything I could,” she smirked. The only problem was, unleashing this much power meant she would burn out much quicker. 

 

“You’ll burn out faster,” Solas warned over his own attempts to keep the advancing army at bay. 

 

_ I know _ , she answered silently. 

 

“ _ We have to protect the  _ _ trebuchets _ .” Cassandra’s voice rang out across the battlefield, imposing and forever commanding above the sounds of slaughter happening all around them. 

 

Fen’nas swung her staff around and watched as it slammed into the face of a templar, she didn’t give him a second thought as she moved to the next man in her sights. They had a single goal, protect the trebuchets long enough for them to be loaded and fired, get them enough time….save them...come back alive…

 

Suddenly she was on her back in the mud and a monstrosity stood above her, sword raised in hand. Fen’nas screamed, not in fear but in anger. A primal roaring sound rushed in her ears and the elf was consumed by her own magic before the world exploded outwards… 

 

...her head was pounding when everything came crashing down on her.  Fen’nas Lavellan, the Herald of Andraste and Second to the Keeper of Clan Lavellan came too as she was being dragged back into Haven, supported between both Solas and Cassandra, and protected by Varric wielding Bianca. Hearing a whimper of pain escape her mouth made the two pause and lightly set her on her feet. “Fen’nas? Can you walk?” She didn’t know who spoke and the words were muffled but she nodded, not wanting to speak, just get inside. “Your staff was destroyed.”

 

_ Damn _ . Harritt had worked so hard on that for her. It didn’t matter now, Fen’nas was dry, tapped out and as week as a three-day old baby halla and she bloody looked like it as she stumbled inside the chantry. Thank the gods for walls really...nice strong sturdy walls… “Wait...you’re not a wall…” she whispered, staring up into distraught brown eyes. 

 

Despite their situation, the commander laughed a little. “No I am not. Are you alright?” Cullen asked her. 

 

“Used too much power,” Fen’nas replied. She pushed back and stood on shaky legs, the important part was that she was still standing at this point. “Commander, what’s the situation? Are we trapped?” The elf pushed back the horrid feeling in the pit of her stomach. “Is there anyway we can get the people out of here? If this...Elder One wants me...he can have me.” The look of horror that flooded across Cullen’s face could have been called selfish but no one said anything. There should be a warning about falling in love in the middle of a war…

 

_ Fuck _ .

 

“It won’t.” Cole’s voice dragged Fen’nas back to reality quicker than she liked. “He wants to kill you. No one else matters, but he’ll crush them. Kill them anyway. I don’t like him.”

 

Fen’nas arched an eyebrow at the odd little boy.  _ Well good for you... _

 

“You don’t like…?” Cullen scoffed. The commander shook his head and turned to her. “Fen’nas, there are no tactics to make this survivable. The only thing that slowed them was the avalanche. We could turn the remaining trebuchets, cause one last slide.”

 

“ _ And bury Haven?! _ ” she gasped, clenching her fists. He was asking her...asking her to kill  _ everyone _ . “Cullen, don’t ask me to do that! I can’t!”

 

“We’re dying.” He reached out and took her hands, neither of them knew if it was to comfort the other or to comfort themselves but their grip was like iron, unbendable, unbreakable. “But we can decide now. Many don’t get that choice.” His eyes were desperate. “Fen’nas...we have to do something.”

 

Just when she was starting to doubt the fact that anyone was really watching them, that there was a god in any religion in Thedas, an opportunity presented itself. There was a tunnel in the chantry that lead out into the mountains...turns out the Inquisitions biggest doubter was good for something after all. Chancellor Roderick wasn’t just piss and vinegar.   _ But would it work? _

 

Fen’nas didn’t realize that she’d asked it out loud. “Possibly,” Cullen told her. “But that’s  _ if _ he shows us the path. But what of your escape?” The silence he was met with gave the commander the answer that he didn’t want to see every again. “Perhaps you will surprise it, find a way.Inquisition, follow Chancellor Roderick through the chantry! Move!”

 

If she was going to die, Fen’nas was going to leave this world in a blazing fire of glory, pretty much like show she’d arrived in this shit in the first place. The mage picked up a sword off the ground, cringing at the weight but knowing it was the last line of defense that she had with her magic completely tapped out. 

 

“Fen’nas, the men will load the trebuchets,” Cullen spoke, cutting into her thoughts as everyone rushed around her. They had a way out...it didn’t fucking matter that they were about to lose her. “Keep the Elder One’s attention until we’re above the tree line. If we are to have a chance...if you are to have a chance, let that thing hear you.”

 

“Commander...Cullen…” Fen’nas called out when he went to walk away. She swallowed her fear and nerves and everything else inside her that hurt to think or feel and focused on this moment right here and right now. When Cullen turned back to face her, Fen’nas stepped closer, grabbed the fur of his armor and pushed up on her toes to press her lips against his. 

 

It was as if all time stood still, a whole new version of Alexius’s time magic but this felt warm and tingly, leaving a good sensation in her body instead of a cold one. For a second, Fen’nas thought that Cullen wasn’t going to respond to the kiss but all that worry drifted away when she felt the commander put his hands on her hips and draw her in closer. “Maker’s breath,” Cullen whispered when the two of them finally decided to break apart. 

  
Fen’nas licked her lips and pressed another smaller kiss to Cullen’s lips before she stepped back. “You’ll see me again soon _vhenan_ ,” she whispered. “I swear it.” The mage gripped her borrowed sword and backed away from the commander with a resigned expression on her face that said everything she was too scared to say.  They’d closed the breach, it was supposed to be over...at least that was what they’d thought. One moment they were celebrating and dancing then the next moment they were screaming and burning...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fucking dorks...I swear...


	7. Somebody make me feel alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dying is not an option...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I'm not restricted to my bed {thank you to my doctor} I have nothing better to do but write so here you get another chapter thanks to my pain and insomnia riddled brain
> 
> I have no beta so all mistakes are my own.
> 
> I do not own Dragon Age, I'm just playing in it's castle

_“Sura...Sura...wake up my darling one…” Her arms were warm, all surrounding, affectionate and hopeful as they held her close, the scent of spider lilies flooded her senses, giving comfort and love that sank through to her very soul. “It’s time to get up...we can’t sleep the day away. There's so much that needs doing. Open your eyes.”_

 

The first thing she felt was pain. It was all around her, it soaked into everything like a bitter kind of cold that refused to go away. She'd fallen and hit every single thing on the way down as the snow and ice cascaded around her. Fen’nas knew she wasn't dead...they said that death was supposed to make things feel painless and fuck she could feel every inch of pain. When she opened her eyes, the mage was met by the sight of darkness and the smell of musty air, she must have fallen down an old mining shaft...broken bones, blood and bruises were a small price to pay for for coming out the other side alive whilst the Inquisitions survivors made their own escape.

 

Fen’nas pulled herself up against the wall, her cries echoed through the tunnels as pain like sharp glass swept through her body. The elf put her hands over her side and cringed when she felt the warmth of her own blood from a large gash in her side. _A strangled scream escaped her lips as the Elder One threw her to the side, angry when he realised he could not remove the mark...no...the anchor. She pulled herself up using the trebuchet for support, ready and waiting for the signals to start the avalanche._ “Well isn't this great,” she hissed through gritted teeth. Fen'nas closed her eyes and held her hands over the wound as she tried to call on her magic...it fizzled and sparked but disappeared. She was dry...completely tapped out.

 

“Don't go to sleep Fen…” she whispered, pushing the memory of her birth name to the back of her mind. Fen'nas pulled herself up using the wall for support, each movement made it feel like she was being wounded all over again. She bit down on her lip and focused on taking a step forward only to fall back against the wall. “Nope, nope…” she shuddered. The pain was far too intense to even contemplate finding a way out of the cave system which made her think that there was more damage than just the deep gash in her side. Her hands shook as put more pressure on the wound, there had to be a way to stop the bleeding. “Come on Fen’nas...you have to get back to the Inquisition...you have to get back to Cullen. You can't just kiss him and run out. That's just terrible.”

 

She pushed off the wall a second time and nearly hit her on an overhanging torch. Fen'nas smiled weakly and forced as much energy as she could into lighting the fabric  “Thank fuck!” she groaned as fire lit up the tunnel. She could finally see...or maybe she didn't want to. The gash in her side was a couple inches long and deep to the point where Fen’nas could stick the tips of her fingers inside...the blood was sluggish and had soaked unto her clothes but the cold temperature was working wonders on preventing her from bleeding out. Thank the gods they weren't in the Hissing Wastes or the Western Approach where she'd be dead by now. That would make Corypheus and his mission so much easier and Fen’nas had promised to do anything to make it harder...she wasn't one to break her promise.

 

Satisfied that she wasn't going to collapse, the mage took a step forward and another and another until she was walking...well limping, but Fen’nas was still moving. The method of which wasn't important. She kept her hand over the wound and desperately held on to the last vestiges of warmth that held into her body...and she wasn't even wearing boots either. Damn ambush attacks.

 

It felt like Fen’nas had been walking for days by the time she noticed the shift in the air. The damp, musty smell was starting to turn into something else...something cold but fresh at the same time. It reminded her of waking up on a particularly brutal winter's day back with her clan. When she stopped to take a breather, the mark hidden beneath her blood started to spark and flare like crazy. Any colour that Fen’nas had in her body drained away, she was in no shape to close a rift let alone fight anything that was to come out of it.

 

She stuck her head around the corner and got a quick look at the hunger demons before pulling it back in, just incase they saw her and decided to take it off. Fen’nas kinda liked her head where it was. The elf hissed quietly as she tried to come up with a plan and ignore the blinding pain from both her hand and her various wounds. She tried to slip away but nearly tripped on some loose rocks on the floor, alerting the demons to her presence. “Aw screw it,” she groaned, holding her bloodied hand up as it sparked green. If they wanted to kill her they could at least work for it.

 

Fen’nas hissed and as the demons came closer. The mark on her hand burned hotter and far more painful than it ever had in the past right before it exploded in a burst of emerald energy. She stumbled and dropped her torch as she held onto the wall to keep herself upright as the demons were eaten away by some kind of...anomaly created by the anchor. She groaned and nearly lost her footing when she tried to move forward. “ _No. I. Can. Make. It._ ” There was no way she was dying in some underground mine, not today, not when Fen’nas had come so far.

 

It had to be a combination of sheer dumb luck and determination coupled with the knowledge that someone _had_ to be looking out for her in some mystical way, but an enternity passed and the elf managed to find her way outside...even if she was in the middle of a snowstorm it didn’t matter, outside was better than the mine.

 

 _Stumbling blindly through the snow is less then what I want but it is better than what could be…wonder how long I’ve been gone?_ There were signs of fires, small encampments scattered about the mountainside, by sheer luck Fen’nas managed to find each and everyone of them but halfway up the mountain the elf was met with a sound she hadn’t heard in a long time.

 

 _The howls of a wolf pack_.

 

Her ears twitched and she stilled in the middle of the storm. It was hard to tell where the sounds were coming from but past experience taught her that these weren’t howls of a pack hunting. Fen’nas closed her eyes and smiled softly. “Andraste, Mythal...whoever is out there watching over me...thank you…” It was just enough to keep the elf moving forward even if it was blindly.

 

Hours could have passed, days could have passed, but as when the last of the warmth left her body Fen’nas forced herself to keep going. She was beyond cold at this point, she was numb...all the pain in her body the mage could no longer feel and a brief stop only moments before had confirmed that her wound was frozen. At least the bleeding had finally stopped.

 

When the desire to sleep became all too much, Fen’nas collapsed on her knees and fell face first into the snow. Over the wind and the smell of the cold she could smell smoke...there had to be fires nearby. The idea made her laugh, “of...course…” she whispered, her eyes flickering closed…

 

_Fen’nas…Maker she’s so cold..._

 

_Sura...wake up..._

 

_Fen’nas…quick! Get her to a healer, she’s still breathing!_

 

_Sura...it’s not your time yet..._

 

_Fen’nas...don’t you die on me...please...not now…_

 

* * *

 

The next time she woke up Fen’nas was oddly warm, warmer than she’d been in a few days and fuck she could feel everything in rolling waves of pain. A whimper spilled out of her mouth when she opened her eyes, the light stinging and forcing her to close them again as she licked her dry lips. She slowly opened her eyes a bit at a time and the first thing she saw was Cullen asleep in a chair next to the cot she was lying in. A small smile spread across her face and as Fen’nas tried to sit up, the blanket fell off exposing her torso that was littered with various cuts and bruises and a bandage that was wrapped around her stomach where the cut was.

 

She groaned and ran her hands over her face, someone had cleaned them because the blood was gone but so was her tunics, leaving Fen’nas in her small clothes and leggings. “Cullen?” the elf croaked. She reached across with shaky hands and picked up a cup off the makeshift stand next to her cot, taking a smell to see what it was before she drank it. The water was cold but it was enough to help. “ _Vhenan_ …?” Fen’nas gathered the blanket around her like a cloak and crossed her legs childishly before she put a hand on his knee and shook him ever so slightly.

 

The commander startled awake and immediately went in search of a weapon only to stop with wide eyes when he saw Fen’nas sitting there staring at him with wide pale blue eyes. “By the Maker-” He moved forward and wrapped his arms around her, part of him worried about hurting her more than she was already hurt and the rest of him just downright thrilled when she nuzzled her smaller shape into his body. _They fit together! Like the pieces of a puzzle._ “I thought you were dead…” he whispered.

 

“I’m too stubborn to die,” she whispered, imprinting the scent of Cullen Rutherford into her brain. Leather and metal with just a hint of oil with a touch of cloves. Fen’nas would remember that smell until the day she died. “How long have I been...?” Whilst she didn’t finish the sentence, it was easy to know what information the elf wanted.

 

“Three days,” Cullen answered. He should put her down, place her back on the cot respectfully but he can’t. His body and his heart don’t want to let her go in case they discover that this is just a dream, his mind really needs to catch on. The commander watched her fingers as they wrapped themselves in the fabric of his tunic, how small and dainty her hands were in comparison to his hands. “It was touch and go on the first day, none of the healers knew if you were going to make it and you’d lost so much blood. Most of them were dry and our potions were depleted. Solas warned them to keep you cold so they could fix the damage and then allow you to warm back up.”

 

Fen’nas sighed. “I have so much to tell you all,” she advised him. “There’s just...so much that came to light when I faced Corypheus. Too much...I feel like my mind is about to explode.” The mage closed her eyes and as much as she wanted to drift off, she was starving. “Cullen...I need to get out of the tent. I’m starving.”

 

“Sit back on the bed and I’ll get you something.” When Fen’nas shook her head the commander pressed his lips together. “Okay, if you can make it to the entrance of the tent I’ll allow you to leave.” She shook her head again and clung to him with both hands. “Would you like me to carry you?”

 

“Yes,” she answered.

 

Cullen could have sworn there was a small smirk to her answer. He sighed and waited for Fen’nas to rearrange her blanket to protect her from the cold before he stood with her in his arms. “People will talk you know.”

 

“Let them,” Fen’nas muttered. “I nearly died Cullen. I was scared...he had me and threw me around like I was a doll and all I could think about was that I was going to break my oath to you. These last few months have awoken something in me that I never thought I could be.” She closed her eyes and curled into him, “so in short...let them fucking talk. That’s all people ever do.” The elf yawned and sighed, “I should be more worried about you.”

 

“Worried about me?” Cullen all but spluttered. “Why in the name of the Maker would you be worried about me?” the commander questioned as he carried her out into the cold afternoon.

 

“I’m an elf...and a mage,” she answered. “Someone that you would have hunted down and dragged off to the nearest circle once upon a time...easy to be tempted by a demon...turned into an abomination…” Fen’nas gripped his shirt tightly as the commander sat her down on a log by the fire. “And I have been tempted before by the spirits in the Fade…” she confessed.

 

Cullen knelt in front of her and shook his head. “You must think me awfully shallow to not see past those things... I admit that I might have thought about it at first but it is a thought I will not revisit again.” He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and got up. “I’ll be back. Don’t go anywhere.”

 

“Like I can,” she grinned. Fen’nas pulled the blanket around her tighter, shivering at the knowledge that only a blanket was keeping out the cold. She watched Cullen walk away and arched an eyebrow at Dorian who was watching from across the fire with a predatory grin on his face. “What?”

 

“Oh nothing,” the mage answered, a teasing tone in his voice. “I’ll save my comments for later since you’ve just awoken. Rather impressive thing, coming back from the dead.”

 

“I didn’t die,” she muttered right before a tunic hit her in the face. “Thank you Dorian,” Fen’nas laughed when it fell in her lap. “Is this yours?”

 

“I never had the chance to unpack my things when I arrived,” he confessed. “Made it easier to grab them on the way out.” Dorian watched Cullen come back and sit before Fen’nas as the grin made a comeback. “I must say, you two are a rather attractive couple. The Herald and her Commander, sounds like one of those novels Varric would write.”

 

“Dorian do you mind?” Cullen all but growled, his face turning red at the mention of Varric’s books. “Here, eat this slowly,” he told Fen’nas, turning his attention to her as he handed her the broth. “It’s only broth so don’t spill it. Once you’ve eaten the other’s want to have a word with you. But take your time,” he added, seeing the look on her face. “Set your own pace, the other’s can wait.”

 

Fen’nas took the bowl after pulling the borrowed tunic over her head, it was far too big for her but she didn’t care. “The others can but the end of the world won’t.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’m like ninety percent sure that Sura means power of the dream or she who has power in dreams and that was Fen’s birth name which she literally never tells ANYONE on pain of death...I might be sensing a bonding moment between Cullen and Fen there later...


	8. And shatter me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Skyhold was the Inquisitions big second chance...now all they need is a leader...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I literally just discovered I can play Dragon Age Origins and Dragon Age II on the X-Box One as a backwards compatible game and you may literally never see me again as I drag Garrett back to romance Fenris CAUSE THERE IS NO OTHER OTP! 
> 
> Although I could always try and romance Anders...although pigs might have a better chance of flying...
> 
> I have no beta so all mistakes are my own.
> 
> I do not own Dragon Age, I'm just playing in it's castle

The mountain fortress of Skyhold was the Inquisitions big second chance...at least that’s what they told themselves when Fen’nas and Solas lead the survivors through the wilds. It was in tatters but the foundations were strong, just like the forces now occupying the walls, the Inquisition had lost a battle but they hadn’t lost the war and whilst they were busy rebuilding, there was another problem on everyone’s mind - they needed a leader. 

 

It was a topic of discussion that Cassandra had brought to their first war room meeting since arriving at Skyhold. Fen’nas was down in the Underforge with Harrit working on her new staff along with an arcanist called Daggna which mean that the inner circle had time to discuss their nominations. When the seeker nominated the elf, none of them were hardly surprised when her name was thrown on the table. Cullen could see the benefits but he liked to think he knew his mage well enough to know that she would be more than reluctant to accept the title of Inquisitor. It was still odd to think of her as his...and one heck of an assumption to make. 

 

As the meeting wore on, the elf failed to show, instead sending a message via one of their runners to explain that they were still working on her staff and she wanted to get it finished. It was almost midnight when the elf made her way to the war room where they were still discussing their forces and where to do next. The elf knocked on the door and let herself in eating an apple with her best shit-eating grin on her face. “Good morning ladies and gentleman. Sorry about blowing the meeting but I really needed to get my staff finished. Can’t go adventuring without it.” Fen’nas closed the door behind her and crossed over to look at the table  where a map was laid out and various pieces spread sparsely across the parchment. “I have no idea what any of that even is.”

 

Cassandra arched an eyebrow. “Are you drunk?” the seeker questioned. She didn’t know if she was a little proud of the fact that the elf had  _ finally _ decided to let loose after everything they’d all been through or worried about the fact they’d been drinking around all those weapons. 

 

“Little bit.” She made a show of using her thumb and forefinger to show how much she’d drunk before slumping down in an empty chair. “Dagna found a bottle cleaning up the foundations and we decided to open it and we drank it all.” Fen’nas liked the dwarf, she was interesting and obsessed with magic which is why they were working on a one of a kind staff for the mage. She leant forward, “so have we figured out how we’re going to get warning to the empress about Corypheus?” Fen’nas questioned. 

 

“I am working on it,” Josephine answered. “But it is no small feat to get a message to the empress when your organisation is thought to be destroyed. You got us time when we didn’t think there was one. There is a number of things we need to do before we can approach the empress.”

 

“Like what?” she asked. 

 

“We should finish this discussion in the morning,” Leliana suggested. The spymaster arched an eyebrow in question to the others and they nodded. “We should be off to bed and be back here mid morning to continue this discussion.” 

 

“If you insist,” Fen’nas frowned. She got to her feet and took a bite out of her apple as the wound in her side pulled, it was mostly healed on the outside but if she moved too quickly or in the wrong way, a short stab of pain would shoot through her. The healer’s offered potions but there were others who needed them over her, Fen’nas opted to take the slow way to perfect health. 

 

“Commander, perhaps you can see our dear Herald to her chambers?” Leliana suggested lightly, her tone was light and teasing but she got the reaction she was after when both Cullen and Fen’nas turned bright red and looked anywhere but on each other. 

 

“I’m fine,” Fen’nas muttered under her breath. She took another bite out of her apple and crossed back to the door, her cheeks still burning brightly. No one had said anything about their kiss back in Haven but there was a few wisecracks floating around from some of friends whom she had promptly named the Peanut Gallery. Dorian and Varric were the worst culprits. “See you all in the morning.” She ducked out of the room quickly and down the hallway before anything else could be said. Having spent most of the afternoon and the full evening in the Undercroft, Fen’nas was tired, add to the fact that she was unable to sleep more than a few hours a night without having nightmares and the Herald of Andraste was burning the candle at both ends herself. 

 

Solas had noticed, of course he had, he’d left her a sleeping drought in her new chambers with instructions on how to take it and when. There was this unspoken bond between the two elves now and had been since they’d spoken in the encampment after Haven, he’d been unusually kind to her and even stranger, Fen’nas wasn’t questioning it. 

 

Ghil’an was nowhere to be found when the elf got to her quarters, the damn room was bigger than anything she’d ever slept in her life but it didn’t take her long to search for the wolf. He was probably with Bull or Krem and Fen’nas didn’t have the heart to try to and go after him, it was far too late to go back outside. She peeled her clothes off and just managed to pull her nightshirt on before crawling into bed, the room may have been big enough to fit her entire clan but the bed was damn soft, like sleeping on a giant fluffy cloud. It never took long for sleep to claim her…

 

...

 

...or the nightmares to wake her up. 

 

* * *

 

She woke up twisted in her sheets and a cry stuck in the back of her throat. It felt like she was suffocating, being crushed by her very own blankets as they snaked around her body, both keeping her warm and in a state of pure panic. Fen’nas cried out, the sound coming out in a pathetic whimper as she tried to untangle herself in a struggle that a toddler could have won. The bed shifted and the elf rolled a little too far to the left only to fall out with a thud bringing tears to her eyes followed by a string of curse words spilling from her mouth. Ghi’lan was usually a huge help in situations like this but the wolf had yet to come back. 

 

Fen’nas slowly untangled herself from the sheets and dressed quickly once she’d stood up. The dreams were all mixed together, friends dying, being crushed by snow, falling so far...Corypheus throwing her around...she was not cut out for this kind of stuff. She grabbed her cloak on the way out of the room, pulling it around her like a fur-lined blanket. 

 

Dawn was still a while away and there were a few soldiers mulling about the place, none of them gave her a second look, the Herald being a now familiar sight all times of night. She made her way up to the ramparts and sat on the walls, letting her legs swing over the edge, Fen’nas could literally kill for a good night sleep right now. 

 

As the night wore on and darkness turned to light, a thick fog had settled over Skyhold and Fen’nas found it had started to set into her bones. She’d been sitting there for hours watching the sky change colours, marveling at the shades of pink and blue in the sky. They would look  _ amazing _ in a painting and she almost wished she could paint. When life started to return to the mountain fortress, the mage found herself reluctantly returning back to solid ground, she climbed back down and immediately crossed the camparts to Cullen’s little tower that the commander had adopted on his arrival. She let herself in without knocking and resisted the urge to laugh outright, there was Ghi’lan curled up by the fireplace like he owned the tower. “Traitor,” the elf muttered. 

 

The wolf’s ears perked up and he opened an eye to spot his mistress. Ghi’lan huffed as if to say  _ oh it’s you _ and closed his eye again. “Yeah I feel definitely betrayed Ghi,” Fen’nas smiled softly. She scratched the wolf behind his ears and glanced up at the ladder leading to Cullen’s loft, Fen’nas thought about it...she thought about it really, really hard and threw the pros and cons together before she decided to act on a whim and she climbed up. 

 

Cullen wasn’t awake yet, he look comfortably sprawled out on the bed which made the mage feel kind of...creepy. Fen’nas sat on the top of the ladder and waited...at least she didn’t have to wait for long...the sun hadn’t quit risen when she heard him stirring awake. The elf grinned and turned around, “good morning commander.”

 

He immediately sat upright and froze when he saw her. “Fen’nas?!” His brown eyes were wide at the sight of her sitting there and he was slightly discombobulated, the commander’s hair stuck up at all angles...Cullen Rutherford with bed hair was a vision that made heat bloom in the bottom of her stomach. “Um...Fen’nas?”

 

_ Well this was a bad idea... _ the mage whispered in her own mind. “I---uh---wow---” she breathed. Fen’nas turned away, “I’m so sorry...I was looking for Ghi and he’s down in your office so I thought I’d see if you were awake and shit I’m going now.” She went to get up but missed her footing and fell. 

 

Cullen scrambled out of bed and rush over to the edge, immediately climbing down to help Fen’nas to her feet. “Is anything broken? Are you okay?” he fussed, checking her over for any signs of injury. Aside from a bruise starting to form on her cheek and the dark circles under her eyes, she looked okay. “You  _ need _ to be more careful Fen’nas, you could really hurt yourself!”

 

Her cheeks burned red and she looked away from him. “I really didn’t think it through. I’m sorry. But I really was looking for Ghi’lan...he wasn’t there when I woke up…”  _ He helps with the nightmares...the feeling of being trapped in those caves… _ Fen’nas gazed up and bit her lip. “We haven’t spoken about Haven.” 

 

The commander shifted in his spot, it was way too early to be having this discussion especially since Cullen didn’t really know what was going on with their...interest. The kiss, of course, had been more than he’d expected and she fit perfectly against him but. “Should we...pretend it never happened?”

 

Fen’nas opened her mouth to say something but she snapped it closed before opening it again. She had  _ no idea _ what to say to that, no clue but the one thing she did know was that the damn suggestion made her heart ache. “ _ Vhenan _ , I don’t want that…” she confessed. “I want to...get to know you better... to know you outside the Inquisition...I think I’m falling in love with you commander and I am not the type of elf to give up the things I want so strongly.” She placed her hand on his cheek and pushed up on her toes so she could kiss him. 

 

It was a small thing, just an innocent press of her lips against his but itself spoke volumes that neither of them knew how to say. She rocked on her heels and tucked her arms behind her back innocently. “Is that okay?” 

 

Cullen was silent as he mulled it over...at least it looked like he was thinking about it from where Fen’nas was standing...painfully and in complete silence. “People will talk.”

 

“They always do,” she warned him. This time it was Cullen who bent down to capture her lips, Fen’nas willingly parted them, wanting to taste all everything he was willing to offer and than leave herself begging for more. “Cullen…” she groaned, her voice coming out a little more sultry than she intended it to. 

 

The commander’s eyes grew wide, there was more black than brown as his pupils blew wide. “Maker...Fen’nas...don’t do that again…” he told her. There was no order behind it, simply a plea to _ please do that again _ . He pressed forward, covering her smaller body with his until Fen’nas was flat against the door by the bookcase. Cullen trailed light kisses along her jaw, making a feeble attempt to search for her lips, lips that  _ wanted _ to kiss him. He could feel her hand searching for something to hold onto, eventually she just gripped the fabric of his nightshirt and tightened her hold on him. “Fen’nas…”

 

She arched her back off the wall, pressing her body into his, practically dying to occupy the same space with him and  _ never _ go anywhere again...however there was a matter of the rational part of her mind screaming at her to not let this go any further. Fen’nas had never hated her own mind so much before. She slumped back against the stone, reluctantly tearing her lips away from his so the two could catch their breath. “We should get breakfast.”  _ By the gods what a stupid thing to say after a kiss like that...we should get breakfast. _ She wanted to hit herself. 

 

Cullen’s lips pulled sheepishly. “Breakfast would be perfect Fen’nas. Afterwards, we need to meet with the others. But for now, If you’ll wait outside, wouldn’t want a repeat of the ladder, would we?”

 

Her cheeks flashed red and Fen’nas ducked underneath his arms. “I’ll never live that down, will I?”

 

“Don’t worry, it will be our secret.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp...I found this gif of Cullen and now I’m fucking dead...I’m literally posting this from the depths of hell where I am right now. Me and Lucy are bros xxx  
> https://i.pinimg.com/originals/8f/34/bc/8f34bc603167c9f62a78e55985ce8cd2.gif 
> 
> I also wanted to THANK all of you who have given me kudos, comments and I certainly never expected to have over five hundred views but here I am...I'm just gonna go float on cloud nine over here whilst I try to remember how to write hetero smut cause it's been waaaaaaaay too long


	9. So cut me from the line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fen'nas accepts the mantle of leader and a champion arrives at Skyhold...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whilst the graphics in Dragon Age Origins are freaking KILLING me, I am loving being able to play my Warden once again...
> 
> I have no beta so all mistakes are my own.
> 
> I do not own Dragon Age, I'm just playing in it's castle

“ _ I’m sorry you want me to what?! _ ” The shriek is so loud nearly everyone in Skyhold can hear when the Herald exploded. There was a war room meeting...another one. It’s all they’d ever done since they’d arrived, trying to regroup and sort themselves out, see where they stood in the war against Corypheus. Anyone in the main hall helping with the rebuilding efforts are unlucky enough to hear the doors slamming and see the Herald storming out...well not storming out...more like fleeing. 

 

As if being the Herald of Andraste wasn’t bad enough...now they wanted her to be the leader of the Inquisition. Fen’nas wasn’t even sure how to process that, why her? Surely there was someone better like the Hero of Ferelden or the Champion of Kirkwall? When she’d thrown those suggestions out there, Leliana was adamant that Linise Mahariel was out of the question, the Warden Commander had politely declined, using her search as way to prevent the Calling as her reason why. And since no one could find the Champion it meant that Hawke was out of the question. 

 

Varric found her pacing on the ramparts, watching her go backwards and forwards like a trapped animal and in a way she was when you looked at it. Fen’nas had done some amazing things in the name of the Inquisition even if she’d done them by accident. The merchant was sure that she could do it but the choice was hers in the end. He’d heard, of course he’d heard about the offer presented by Cassandra,  _ everyone _ had heard. “You okay little wolf?”

 

Fen’nas let loose a string of curse words and spun around to find him standing there watching her. “Creators, Varric, you scared six months of life out of me! What’s going on?”

 

“You need to talk?” he questioned. “I heard about the meeting, so I’m all ears if that’s what you want.”

 

The elf threw her hands up in the air. “What I need is five seconds to process. They want me to be  _ the _ leader, I’m not leadership material Varric! No way, not on your life. That sort of shit is Cassandra’s wet dream not mine. I’m a mage... _ a Dalish mage _ ...who in their right mind, would follow me?”

 

“I would,” Varric answered. He crossed his arms and followed her with his eyes. “I would, the Chargers would...your circle would. They threw your name up there because of all the things you’ve done. You’re a leader Fen’nas. Look what you did at Haven, all the people you saved because you weren’t afraid to stand up against Corypheus...which we need to talk about by the way.”

 

Fen’nas paused mid stride. “You seriously think I could do it?” she questioned. “Because I don’t. I can’t take command of an army of people.” She growled and brushed her hair from her face before wrapping a hand around her pendant, an action she’d adopted when the elf found she needed to be grounded in her actions. “I just...need to think, seriously think, and spend the next hundred years in hiding.” Fen’nas pulled herself up on the wall, balancing dangerously over the edge but completely relaxed about it. “Tell me what you wanted to speak to me about and then I might spend a few hours bothering Krem before giving them the answer they want.”

 

Varric rubbed the back of his neck. “So after we arrived at Skyhold and you told us about Corypheus, I wrote to...I wrote to a friend to tell him about what you’d fought against and he wrote back that he would be coming within the month.”

 

“You don’t mean…?” Fen’nas trailed off, knowing full well who he was talking about but wanting to hear it come from the horse's mouth so to speak. 

 

“Yup,” the rogue answered. “We  _ killed _ him little wolf and yet...there is; tall, dark and ugly. I was there when it happened...Corypheus...it was a shock to hear his name coming out of your mouth when you were lost in fever. Honestly...I want Hawke to stay away from all this...after everything he went through he deserves to be happy but this...I know Hawke...he’ll say it’s his responsibility because it was his job in the first place.” Varric scoffed and pushed off the wall, “sometimes you hero types can be self-sacrificing jerks.”

 

“What did I do to deserve that?” Fen’nas asked him, kinda offended at the same time. Seeing his eyebrow raised, the elf frowned, “oh...Haven...shit...sorry Varric...I wasn’t thinking anything beyond getting the people out of Haven so they were safe.”

 

“Which leads me back to what I said before, you  _ are _ a leader Fen’nas,” Varric repeated. “You shrink it off and laugh at the idea, put yourself down but you’ve got the same qualities that Hawke does, that self-sacrificing ability to just fit the role of natural leader without even thinking about it.” He moved over to the stairs and looked back at the elf. “I think you’ll do great in the position of Inquisitor. And if you need help, you’ve got an entire council to help you along with curly.” Seeing the blush spread on her features made Varric chuckle. “I’ll bring the letters up to you later. Enjoy annoying the Chargers.”

 

“Always do,” Fen’nas waved him off. The elf groaned and turned back to admiring the view from Skyhold. She sat there for a while before getting up to seek out Krem. The Charger was always good for a sparring session when she needed to blow off some steam. She spent a few hours down there getting knocked around and doing her own version of knocking when Krem decided he’s had enough and heads back to the  _ Herald’s Rest _ . 

 

Guess it was time to face the music than. 

 

The mage grabbed a runner and gave them a gold coin to deliver a message to her circle. She’s made up her mind but needs to clean up first, plus a soak in a hot bath sounds nice right about now. The four of them find Fen’nas in her quarters nearly an hour later fresh from a bath, the tub having been taken away already. She is sitting by the window staring out over the keep wearing just a tunic and an incredibly short pair of shorts,her long legs hanging over the stone railing. “You called for us Herald?” Leliana asked first, pulling her from her thoughts.

 

Cassandra elbowed Cullen, a small smirk on her face at the site of his face going bright red as his eyes lingered on the mage’s legs. The commander startled and forced himself to look at Fen’nas. He knew they were long but…Maker's breath...

 

“Suppose you might wanna start calling me Inquisitor now,” she answered. The elf stood as she finished braiding her hair and flicked it behind her shoulder. “You people have boundless patience when it comes to me and I’m still trying to figure out why you’re all insane but clearly we hero types can be self-sacrificing jerks according to Varric.” Fen’nas crossed her arms and sighed, “I’ll take your title but I’m going to need a whole lot of help.” 

 

“Help which we will gladly provide,” Josephine nodded. She bowed her head respectfully, “you will not be disappointed.”

 

“Hey, that’s my line,” she half-joked. Fen'nas stretched out with a groan, “since I'm sure my life is about to get more hectic than it already is, I do have one request.” 

 

“Which is?” Josephine questioned. 

 

“One night a week to myself, just a few hours so I can...destress I guess,” Fen’nas replied. “I was a second and now I'm taking the role of leader when I have no idea what the heck I'm doing so at least give me that or there's a good chance I might just murder you all in a horrible flash of fire.” She mimicked an explosion with her hands. “I will seriously make what Corypheus did at the Temple of Sacred Ashes look like a baby fire.” It was probably too soon for that but Fen'nas didn't particularly mind, the Divine wasn't a part of her religion...but neither were the Dalish gods really. 

 

“That seems reasonable,” Josephine answered. “I will have some paperwork that needs to be addressed in the morning. I’ll sort them into what is the most urgent, what can wait a few days and what is the least important.” She smiled and reached out to put her hand on Fen’nas’ shoulder. “We’re here to help Inquisitor. Now, I’ll go and get the paperwork ready.” 

 

One-by-one the group left and as Cullen went to follow, a gust of air slammed the door shut. He turned to Fen’nas who was doing a rather poor job of proving herself innocent in this situation. “What are you doing?” he questioned. 

 

“What am I doing? What are you doing?” Fen’nas asked him. “Staring it my legs. See something you like?” The man gulped, making the elf outright laugh. “They’re just legs commander.”

 

“Y-yes, I know,” Cullen answered.  _ Slender, long... _ he shuddered and closed his eyes, swallowing a gulp before opening his eyes to find her standing in front of him...right in front of him. “Fen’nas, this is-”

 

“I actually wanted to see if you wanted to play a game of chess so we can talk troop strategy?” she suggested. “Since I’m now leading this ragtag bunch of mages and former templars you can give me an idea of what I’m working with whilst you destroy me at chess. Deal?” 

 

* * *

 

Cullen was looking a little grey that morning during troop drills. Fen’nas had taken up training with them because it was easier to get her practice done in the morning then fit it in the afternoon. She'd accepted the position of Inquisitor nearly a month ago and was still struggling to find that perfect balance of everything and not stay flustered. It wasn't working as much as she’d liked it to be but everything was a work in progress. When she’d arrived to participate, the first thing the mage noticed was his colour and that was when her mind went into instant healer mode. 

 

After training, Fen’nas wrote a quick note and left it with Josephine, explaining that she would be out for a couple of hours going in search of some fresh elfroot, fresh was better for the tea she wanted to brew. The guard at the gate wanted to send a couple of soldiers with her but there was no way that Fen’nas wasn’t having that...but looking back, she probably should have. 

 

Along with the elfroot, the mage came across some other flowers that would make good for various other potions, her Keeper had taught her some and others she’d just known which she guessed came from her parents. Maybe Fen’nas could ask for a book so she could start writing these down, make her own healer’s book...that was something she could work on in her spare time. 

 

_ Spare time was a laughable concept.  _

 

Her mind was wandering with the amount of paperwork she had on her desk, there was so much and she was steadily getting through it with Josephine’s help but half of the requests were  _ petty and ridiculous _ . Nobility really robbed her the wrong way half the time. As she was thinking about the proposal to send Inquisition troops to the Emerald Graves, the hair on the back of her neck stuck up...there was someone here that shouldn’t be. 

 

Fen’nas glanced around and stood as she looked for Ghi’lan, the wolf had gone off chasing after a bird which meant that she was alone with an unknown factor. Just great, this was what Leliana meant about assassins. “Okay I know you’re there!” she called out, lightning pooling around her hands. “I’m really, really not in the mood here!” she hissed. Fen’nas wasn’t exactly sure what happened but in a split second she found herself slammed up against a tree, a hand wrapped around her throat. She growled and held a hand against his armor. “Put...me...down,” she hissed, summoning lightning to her fingertips, mark flaring green in anger. Blue eyes stared into green, breath caught in her throat but the mage wasn’t going to go down without a fight. “Or I’ll fry us both.”

 

“Fenris! Let her go!” Out the corner of her eye the elf found a giant hulking man taking up most of her vision. “Inquisitor Lavellan?”

 

Fen’nas coughed as she hit the ground and her knees nearly buckled but the elf held her up. “Damn that’s come grip you have on you,” she coughed. “Call me Fen’nas, Inquisitor Lavellan is all upstart and noble and it makes me remember why I’m hiding out here attacking random strangers in the first place.” She rubbed her throat and picked up the bag of dropped herbs. “You must be Hawke, Varric told me you were coming. Cassandra is going to have kittens for a week when I drag you two back.”

 

“Fen’nas?” Hawke questioned, his lips curling up in a small smirk. “Garrett Hawke, nice to meet you. This is my...companion Fenris.”

 

“Varric never said you were coming with another…” Fen’nas pointed out. “And neither did your letters.” She shrugged, sensing the tension between the two of them and not wanting to stick her nose into it. “Not that it matters really, the more the freaking merrier.” The mage whistled twice and waited, minutes later Ghi’lan bounded out of the streets with a bird in his jaws. “Oh you got dinner, aren't you a good boy? Yes you are.” she pressed a kiss on his muzzle and took the rabbit from his jaws. “So you guys up for a dinner tonight? Personal invitation from the Inquisitor and we can talk Corypheus over food. I also  _ want  _ to be there when Cassandra sees you then tries to kill Varric.” 

 

Hawke and Fenris looked at each other, silent communication passing between them in a language that only they could understand. It honestly made the mage feel a little awkward but she tried her best not to show it. Eventually Hawke turned back to her and smiled warmly. “Of course Inquisitor Lavellan.”

 

“Fen’nas,” she reminded him. “It’s not that hard. Or little wolf, don’t care, just throw the titles out the window Champion of Kirkwall.” She doubled checked her herb pouch and waved the two of them after her. “Your ‘ _ friend _ ’ is quiet.”

 

“That’s just Fenris,” Hawke answered, earning a scoff from the man in question as they walked back towards Skyhold. “So what exactly did Varric tell you?” 

 

“Just that you fought and killed Corypheus,” Fen’nas answered. “But he’s pretty damn alive, I’ve got a nice scar on my side as proof of that. And a mark that makes my arm feel like it’s on fire most of the time. Dorian’s looking into him on the Tevinter side of things cause we’re sure that’s where he’s from whilst I’m entertaining the pettiness of nobles whilst simultaneously wanting to murder them all horribly.”

 

“So you think he’s from Tevinter?” Hawke questioned.

 

“Tevinter has a pretty big hand in this,” Fen’nas answered, noticing the tension coming from the elf. “Dorian might know more since he’s from there so play nice, both of you or I will set Cassandra on you.” As they approached the gate, the Inquisitor waved to get them let in. “Welcome to Skyhold, home to the Inquisition and yours for as long as you desire,” she grinned, stepping in through the gate.

 

“This...is impressive,” Fenris mumbled under his breath. 

 

“Thanks,” Fen’nas grinned. “Solas lead us here. There are ancient elven magics set into the stone foundations of the place...I think it protects the keep but I can feel the magic at night when I sleep. It’s...comforting…” she confessed. “Hang on I just gotta take these up to Cullen,” she told them, changing the subject, ”just a quick detour.” Fen’nas headed up the stairs to knock on the door to Cullen’s tower. “ _ Vhenan _ , I have something for you.” She let herself into Cullen's office and sat the bag of herbs on the desk over the top of what the commander was reading, his colour still looking a little gray. “Elfroot.”

 

Cullen put down the parchment he was reading and cocked an eyebrow. “What is this for?” he questioned. “You actually went out and picked elfroot for me? We have stocks here.” 

 

Fen'nas shook her head, a faint blush tainting her cheeks. “Not good enough. I don't like your colour and fresh leaves always brew better in a tea.” She sat herself down on the side of his desk and brushed a hand gently through his hair, smiling as he leant into her touch. “You need to rest  _ vhenan _ ,” she whispered. “Please? If not for an hour or two?” 

 

He smiled softly. “Maybe after I finish this. “ Cullen tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, lightly brushing against the tip and earning a small gasp from the elf. “A-are your ears sensitive?” he questioned. 

 

“Shut up,” she blushed, leaning in to press her head against his. “Will you join me tonight for dinner?” Fen’nas questioned. “Ghi caught a bird, it’s going to make a great stew once I give it to cook. We’ll be having guests so it’s more a working dinner.” 

 

“Guests?” he inquired. 

 

“I ran into two...certainly interesting people down the bottom of the mountain whilst getting your elfroot,” Fen’nas grinned. “A mage and an elf with the most striking eyes and markings I have  _ ever _ seen.” 

 

Cullen pulled back. “You don’t mean Hawke do you?!” 

 

She nodded. “Yup. I’m going to show them to a room and go get Varric, I  _ have _ to see the look on Cassandra’s face when this all goes down.”

 

“You’re playing with fire there Fen’nas,” Cullen warned her. 

 

“I’m a mage,” she joked, “it’s my job. Now drink your tea, don’t make me make you.” Fen’nas pressed a light kiss against his forehead, “please? I’ll beg if I have to and somehow I don’t think that’s really what you want me to do on my knees,” the elf stated boldly. The commander choked and stared at her with wide eyes, mouth slightly agape. When Dorian had thrown the comment at her, suggesting that she use it to try and rile him up, Fen’nas didn’t expect this reaction, no sir she did not. “A kiss before I go?” she asked, lightly brushing her lips against his. “Make your tea and maybe I’ll tell you what  _ vhenan _ means.” 

 

Cullen drew her into his arms and nipped softly at her lips, the commander begging entry which Fen’nas was more than happy to allow. Stolen kisses, next to deep, long kisses, were his favorite, light touches in the corridors as they passed, brief encounters...Maker he longed to have  _ more _ than just those brief moments even if they’d perfected the art itself. “You drive a hard bargain,” he told her, drawing back. There was more black in her eyes than blue. “You should go. Your guests will be waiting. I’ll be there for dinner.” 

 

“After dinner...maybe you can stay…?” she offered, slipping out of his grasp. “That's not...an invitation for... _ that  _ but...I like waking up and seeing your face.” Fen'nas pressed a kiss to his head only to be pulled down into another kiss that grew escalated. She pulled away after what seemed like an eternity. “I have to go.” The elf slipped off the desk and surprisingly, Cullen stood with her so he could escort her to the door. “Ever the gentleman commander,” she smiled, walking backwards out the door. “Whatever will I do without you?” 

 

“Nothing too drastic I hope.” Cullen took her hand and pressed a kiss to it. “Tonight then my lady?” He glanced over, eyeing Hawke and Fenris, “welcome to Skyhold Champion, Fenris. We will speak later.”

 

“And you’ll have yourself a break,” Fen’nas told him. 

 

“You’re pushy, you know that,” Cullen scoffed. “Go, show our guests around. Behave. Stay out of trouble.”

  
“Me? Trouble?” she asked innocently. “ _ Never. _ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it never, EVER sat right with me that Hawke would just up and leave Fenris when he came to Skyhold so I fixed it and I'm not even ashamed to have broody there.
> 
> You're welcome.


	10. Dizzy spinning endlessly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Preparations for battle in the Western Approach begin, the Inquisitor seeks advice for something personal and finds herself struggling with the idea of expected casualties in one of Cullen's battle plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know when you're not entirely too happy with a chapter and no matter how many times you write it, it still doesn't come out right? That's this chapter. I wrote it three times and I had my friend read over it for me, she says it's okay but I'm not sure, it's still not sitting right. It's probably my sleep addled brain and the fact I'm back at work after a month off...these six a.m wake up's are probably killing me but whatever. 
> 
> Also the length...it's shorter than what I usually do but there was literally nothing else I could put in there to make it longer. 
> 
> I have no beta so all mistakes are my own.
> 
> I do not own Dragon Age, I'm just playing in it's castle

For the last five weeks, Fen’nas and Hawke spent it traveling to and from Crestwood in search of Hawke’s Grey Warden contact. Originally the warden had been helping Hawke with investigating the red lyrium problem, circumstances beyond his control had forced Jean-Marc Stroud into hiding.  _ The wardens were hunting him. _ Stroud claimed that wardens in Orlais had started to hear the Calling, it was his belief that it was started by Corypheus. Blood magic had been offered as a suggestion on how to put an end to the Blight. Stroud refused.

 

The last thing Fen’nas had ever expected to see from the wardens was them hunting their own after branding him a traitor. It was in that moment that she decided to send Warden Commander Mahariel a letter, practically begging for assistance. Maybe something she’d found could help? Corypheus showing up after supposedly being dead, the Grey Warden’s going missing, it was no coincidence. So she sat down and she wrote a letter to send via raven. Fen’nes had no idea where the commander could be but she was willing to try again. The elf hoped that this time a letter from herself would help instead of one from her spymaster. 

 

Fen’nas usually wasn’t one to sneak around behind Leliana’s back, the idea of getting on that woman’s bad side was worse than going up against Corypheus. When the elf came down the stairs of the rotunda, Leliana stood at the landing deep in conversation with one of her agents. She glanced sideways at the Inquisitor with  _ that _ smile and turned back to her discussion like she wasn't even there. She knew. Of course she knew. It was Leliana of all people and when someone went traipsing about in her territory using her toys, the spymaster was going to know. That woman was an enigma that the Inquisitor wasn't sure that she wanted to figure out. The people that she worked with were so uniquely strange that Fen’nas couldn't help but laugh sometimes. 

 

And speaking of strange...Fen’nas needed to speak to Dorian about something private. Now that she was stuck waiting for a reply and awaiting word from Hawke’s contact within the wardens, she realized that it was as good a time as any. The man in question was in his usual nook in their makeshift library, still searching for those elusive Tevintian ties concerning Corypheus. “Hey Dor, how goes the search?” The elf would be the first person to say she misjudged him on their first meeting, being stuck in the future with him was certainly something that swayed her opinion of the mage. 

 

“As tiresome as every my dear Inquisitor.” Dorian sounded like he was angry, and if the scowl on his face was anything to go by. “Finding what house Corypheus is associated to is not an easy task. But, what brings you to my humble abode?” The normally immaculate mage appeared a little worn around the edges, almost like he’d pulled an all nighter with nothing to show for it. There were dark circles under his eyes that were impressive.  

 

“Just sending a letter,” Fen'nas answered. “With Hawke and broody helping Stroud in the Western Approach, it’s all just a big waiting game now. So I thought I’d send a letter and see what came of it.” The elf eyed Dorian as he tossed another book aside, hands ghosting across the spines of other leather bound volumes in search of another. “Is something wrong?” she queried. “You sound a little upset over something.” Fen'nas invited herself to sit down in the man's chair, ignoring the withering look that he gave her. “I'm a friend Dorian, I'm always happy to help with anything you need.”

 

“Your library is pitiful,” Dorian scoffed arrogantly. “You find better books in child's nursery. What does a man have to do to get better resources around here?!” 

 

“Um here's an idea,” Fen’nas grinned, “talk to the Inquisitor. I hear she has a bunch of people that can get her whatever resource she asks for within reason...even a few unreasonable ones. If someone were to leave her a list of books they need she can pass it along.” She watched Dorian slyly and waited for a little before getting out of his seat. “Leave the list on my desk when you finish it and I'll give it to Leliana to track down. Is that okay?” 

 

Dorian scoffed. “Of course Fen’nas. You could try that without the sarcasm next time.” The mage ignored her when she laughed and sat back in his chair. “What can I do for you?” he inquired. “I doubt you came down just to trade witty, sarcastic banter with me. Do you need something?” 

 

“Actually I do,” she blushed. “Not that trading witty, sarcastic banter with you isn’t a fun pastime but I...I don't want to ask Cassandra or Leliana about this because I don't want them to know. Bull...well Bull will give me advice I don't want, it may possibly scar me for life and Solas will give me that judging look.” Fen'nas stared down at her hands, watching as she pulled nervously at her fingers. “I know we have...different-”

 

“You want to have sex with Cullen,” Dorian cut in. He had a wide grin on his face bordering on sinful and playful at the notion that she was coming him for advice. “My, my, my, the mighty elven Inquisitor coming to the altus from Tevinter for advice on seducing her would-be lover. Perhaps you would do better to speak to dear Josephine.” 

 

“I hate you,” she grumbled, her cheeks burning crimson. Fen’nas brushed a few strands of her hair from her face and forced herself to look at him. “I came to you Dorian because I know you’re the only one who will not try and talk me out of it or start talking about watchwords. Which, by the way, I have no idea what that even means.” Seeing the thoroughly amused expression on Dorian’s face enforced the fact she didn’t want to know. 

 

“You certainly don’t hate me,” the mage laughed. “You said it yourself, you love having me around.”

 

“This is probably the worst time to be doing this.” Fen’nas pulled a random book off the shelf and started flicking through it. “Leliana’s men are investigating the Western Approach for the warden’s, Hawke is following his own path, Cullen and Cassandra are getting the troops ready for battle, I  _ should _ be picking my team to accompany me but no...here I am thinking about pleasures of the flesh.” 

 

“Perhaps now is a perfect time,” Dorian answered. He leant forward in his chair, dark eyes sparkling mischievously. “It’s all terribly romantic and entirely too sappy to be anything short of a romance novel.”

 

Fen’nas arched an eyebrow in question. “Excuse me? Don’t tell me that the great Dorian Pavus is a reader of romance novels? You know that’s just as bad as catching Cassandra reading  _ Swords and Shields  _ the other day.”

 

“She’s not very subtle about it is she?” Dorian smirked. “Fen’nas, my dear, you’re not the kind of woman that would employ my...particular methods on the commander. Perhaps you should try speaking with him, he already looks like he wants to devour you half of the time. An open invitation will do wonders.” He sat back and watched the elf as she mulled over his words. “Am I not right, Leliana?”

 

Fen’nas spun around that quickly that she nearly fell over her own feet, a spew of curse words leaving her mouth. “Oh fu-how long have you been listening in?” she questioned the spymaster.

 

Leliana’s poker face was probably the best she’d ever seen. She was void of all emotion except in her eyes, her steel blue orbs were dancing. “Long enough to know that you need an explanation as to what watchwords are and Dorian gives the best-worst advice ever.” Leliana drew Fen’nas over with a curl of her finger, “come, let us have a talk, woman to woman.”

 

* * *

 

Adamant Fortress, a former Grey Warden fortress that was supposed to be abandoned but now they knew it wasn’t the case. The missing warden’s were there,  _ all of them _ , and the demons...it was that demon army that Leliana told her about when Fen'nas went to the future. Josephine wanted to focus on the assassination of Empress Selene but now that Hawke and Fenris had brought back the news they were waiting for. The demons had to take precedence. 

 

The pair had arrived back to Skyhold late in the evening, just as Fen'nas had fallen asleep over a mountain of paperwork at her desk. A runner had reluctantly pulled her from her slumber and pointed the elf towards the war room. That was over two days ago and they were  _ still _ finalizing their plans. Cassandra and Cullen wanted to account for every possibility despite the fact they would be leaving in the morning with their forces in tow. 

 

Fen'nas had never been instrumental to the plans of a battle before. Of course there had been moments where she was part of the planning but this...this was  _ her _ army and she was supposed to be leading them to fight. It was part of the reason why she was still there in the war room well passed midnight going over the strategy the military minds had put together. She was sure about half of it, the other half Fen’nas was unsure of the implications if it went wrong. The thing that disturbed her the most was the  _ Expected Casualties _ scrawled at the end of the parchment. People were gonna die and that was on her. This was nothing like Haven. 

 

“I believe you should be sleeping Inquisitor.” Fen'nas glanced up at Solas hovering in the open doorway. “I saw the light and perhaps thought you were Cassandra or Cullen.” The apostate stepped across the threshold and into the light, staff in hand. “What are you doing?” 

 

“Trying to wrap my head around these plans.” Fen'nas sighed. Emerald sparks flared angrily from her hand, the mark reacting to both her nerves and frustration. “I find myself questioning why I said yes to lead this Inquisition. I'm not cut out for any of this.” She brushed her fingers through her hair, wincing when she ran into a couple of obstacles in the form of knots. “I think seeing Cullen expects to lose at least a quarter of the men through injury or death is gnawing at me.” 

 

“To bed Inquisitor,” Solas suggested. Her nerves were understandable but they wouldn't get any better by dwelling on them. “I can brew you a tea that will assist you in achieving sleep, if that is what you so desire.” 

 

Fen'nas bit at her lip, “I think a tea would be great. Thank you Solas.” She gathered the papers up, stacking them neatly and placing them aside. “Do you regret that I asked you to come tomorrow?” the mage queried. “Knowing that you could be one of those numbers?” 

 

There was something that flashed through his eyes for only a split second that looked old, but it vanished as quick as it appeared. “You could trip and fall down the stairs in the morning but still you do these things. Dwelling on the outcome will do you more harm than good, especially now Inquisitor. It is unfortunate, but in battle, men and women will die, people will sustain injuries, that is a part of war. We never claimed this would be an easy path to walk upon, for any of us.” Solas could see annoyance flooding her pale eyes but he was in no mood to sweeten thing over for her. “Now, to bed and I will have someone bring up the tea I suggested.” 

 

“That would be great,” Fen'nas sighed. The elf knew the nature of war, she knew that people died, they did in Haven fighting for the Herald of Andraste but back then she wasn't the leader...or was she? Looking back, Fen'nas figured that she'd already been leading them. She slipped passed him and waited for him to close the door. “I will see you in the morning, bright and early.” The mage forced herself up to her quarters, her mind still lingering on what tomorrow would bring for all of them. 


	11. Somebody make me feel alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Adamant Fortress, a legend arrives to answer a letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who decided to show up and prove that she's alive after four months? Me! *throws confetti* I live! Sorry for the delay in posting *cough - not four months* but I lost the will to write and had so much going on for me in my life lately that writing became really hard to escape to. Although I have managed to get back into the swing of things despite everything being so damn stressful. 
> 
> So this is a filler chapter of sorts, I needed it to be done and have done it three times...I'm still not happy about it but I dunno what else to add...
> 
> \---
> 
> I do not own Dragon Age, I just like to play in their sandpit

“ _ Without the nightmare to control them, the mages are free and Corypheus loses his demon army. Though as far as they’re concerned, the Inquisitor broke the spell with the blessing of the maker. _ ” 

 

Hawke’s words rang in her head loud and clear as she lay face down in a cot in the healers tent. Two days had passed since the Inquisition forces won their hard earned victory at Adamant. Just over two days since Fen’nas and her party came tumbling out of the Fade, battered and bruised but ultimately alive. Her memories, lost before the explosion at the Temple of Sacred Ashes, were now back, a gift from the spirit of Divine Justinia. She should have been happy...but their journey wasn’t without sacrifice. 

 

_ Fen’nas had to leave him behind. _ Jean-Marc Stroud, a Grey Warden with a proud history and he was just gone because she had to make a choice. Stroud or Hawke? 

 

“It’s not your fault Fen’nas.” She could feel Solas’s hands moving over her back, fingers ghosting over the claw marks gouged into her flesh. They were deep, they weren’t as bad as they could have been, but according to the mage, they would scar. “In times of war, leaders have to make a sacrifice. In a perfect world, we would have to pick neither...but I for one am glad you chose Stroud.”

 

“Why?” She brushed some hair out of her face and moved her head so she could see the beige walls of the tent. “What makes Stroud less important than Hawke or you or Cassandra or Varric?” Fen’nas winced when she felt the muscles pull in her back, the skin knitting itself back together at a snail’s pace. “Or me?”

 

Solas made a sound in the back of his throat that sounded like a laugh or a very disapproving chuckle. “I disagree, you are important to this entire endeavor. The Inquisition was built around you, Hawke is the Champion of Kirkwall, Stroud was the obvious choice. It doesn’t lessen the guilt but it is what it is.” He took his hands back, observing the ugly red scars on her back. “Don’t strain yourself. We can have another session in the morning if you don’t break the skin. Again.” 

 

The elf turned around, giving Fen’nas her privacy to sit up and pull her shirt back on. “You might want to go speak with your council, there was discussion this morning of gathering the wounded to return to Skyhold, along with the Venatori magister, Livius Erimond. Fen’nas, you should return with them for when you put him on trial.”

 

“I want to take one more look around the fortress and see if Clarel left anything exciting around the place.” Fen’nas tucked her pendant back under her tunic and pulled her hair back as she got to her feet. “Thank you Solas. It doesn’t hurt as much.” 

 

“We apostate’s must stick together, Inquisitor.” He washed his hands off, turning back to find the mage still sitting there. “Is there something else on your mind Fen’nas?” Solas queried. “Anything I can help you with?”

 

“You said to me once, back in Haven, that you were curious what kind of hero I’d be,” Fen’nas reminded him. “Am I living up to your expectations?” she asked curiously. 

 

“You are...more than adequate  _ lethallan _ ,” Solas answered, clearing up his supplies and the bloody bandages he’d taken off her.  

 

That was the highest form of compliment from the mage that Fen’nas had ever heard from him before. “Come to the meeting later,” she suggested. “I’d appreciate your input.” He was growing on her, that’s for sure. Internally, Fen’nas had to admit that at first she disliked the man immensely, the old prejudices of her people were showing in her behaviour, now...well now she wasn’t so sure.  The blonde received a curt nod from Solas before she exited the tent, finding Krem waiting for her. “You’ve got that serious face Krem,” she noted, finishing buttoning her tunic up. 

 

“What do you mean serious face?” the Charger quoted. “This is my normal face Fen.” His frown turned into an exasperated smile when the Inquisitor started giggling. “Oh ha, ha, very funny blondie. Chief sent me back with Skinner, he’s tracking a couple of people watching the camp, thinks one of ‘em might be a warden,” Krem told her, falling in beside her, finding it easy to keep track despite her quickened pace. “Two elves, one’s a mage.”

 

Fen’nas stopped in her tracks. “One of them’s a mage you say?” she asked him. “Well I think we should head out and give them a proper welcome shouldn’t we?” The elf made for her tent to grab her staff. It was her fourth staff since joining the Inquisition. “Skinner, can you let Cassandra and Cullen know that we’re about to be getting some visitors soon?”

 

“Oh great, leave me with deliverin’ the shit news Inquisitor,” the elf grumbled, stalking off like a child without her favorite toy. 

 

“But it’s half the fun!” Fen’nas called after her, following Krem to the two mounts with a company squire. Her back pulled as she mounted, but the mage pushed it to the back of her mind and kicked her heal’s into the creature’s side. “When Bull sent you back did he say what the elves looked like?” she asked curiously. “I sent a letter to Warden Commander Mahariel some months ago concerning Stroud and Clarel. I'm praying to whoever the hell is up there that it's them.”

 

“Chief says jump, we say how high,” Krem shook his head. “I didn't stick around for the wanted poster.” 

 

“Ass,” the blonde huffed as she urged the horse to go faster. The two of them followed the tracks left by the horses in the sand, eventually making it to where Bull was waiting. “What do you have for me Bull?” she asked, dismounting and trudging across the sand.  _ Did she mention she hated sand...it got everywhere...in places sand shouldn’t even get in! _ “Krem said you’ve found a couple spotters watching the encampment?” Not that you could hide something as big as a camp full of Inquisition soldiers, mages and Grey Wardens in their custody. 

 

“One’s a mage,” Bull nodded, jabbing his fist in the direction of a partially destroyed watchtower. “Saw her staff, the second one spotted us before she did but they haven’t left yet. Think they’re waiting for you boss.”

 

“I happen to agree,” Fen’nas mused gleefully. The nudged the Qunari and he helped her climb up the rock face so she could peak out over the top. “I think I might go say hello,” she spoke aloud, “wanna come be my bodyguard Bull? I’ll do the talking, you just stand there and look pretty.” That earned a few chuckles from behind her, she pulled herself up and brushed the sand off her as she walked across the sand towards the tower. 

 

A few grunts and a bout of swearing had Bull towering beside her. “Hope you know what you’re doing boss.”

 

_ You and me both _ , she thought to herself, feet hitting stone. “Warden Commander Linise Mahariel,” Fen’nas called out as she entered the base of the tower, “I’d like to welcome you to Adamant Fortress. You could have saved a little bit of time if you just came down to the camp. We don’t bite.”

 

“Much,” Bull muttered earning a chuckle from the tiny blonde in front of him. 

 

“Forgive me Inquisitor, I wasn’t exactly sure what kind of reception the Warden’s were getting these days.” On the rotting rafters above them sat Linise Mahariel, Commander of the Grey Wardens and Hero of Ferelden, she dropped to the ground, moving like a cat on the prowl more than a legendary mage of her caliber. “I got your letter. Blood magic, Corypheus. Look what happens when you decide to take a moment to search for a cure for the Calling. I spoke with some...friends and decided to take you up on your offer. But it looked like we were too late.” Linise stepped out into the light, seemingly not worried about any potential danger there could be. “And then your Qunari spotted us-well Zev and I decided to have a little...fun. Didn’t we, dear husband?” 

 

Across from where the commander had been perched was the second elf Krem spoke of, this one looked like he could kill you before you even knew you were dead. If Leliana had a sibling somewhere, he had to be it. “The invitation extends to you too, crow. Unless you’d prefer to stay up there roosting.”

 

“I see my reputation precedes Inquisitor.” Zevran Arainai, assassin and apparent husband to the Hero of Ferelden landed on the ground with the same ease that Linise had moments ago. The smirk on his face could probably melt snow if he tried. 

 

“Leliana more like it,” the mage shrugged absently. “When she found out I’d sent a raven, she was pretty insistent on telling me all about your travels. And call me Fen’nas, please. I’d like to bring you both to the camp and the war table if you’d be so willing?” she offered. “We can let you know what happened in the battle and how the Grey Wardens were manipulated by the Venatori-”

 

“Are you going to spare the wardens or exile them?” For someone who looked like she made melting into the background a habit, the mousy haired commander sure had a way about her. Everything Leliana had said about her was startlingly accurate. “I will take responsibility for them before seeing them cast so flippantly aside.” 

 

Linise Mahariel wasn’t at all what Fen’nas was expecting, she’d heard tales about the Hero of Ferelden, the great warden who ended the Blight by slaying the Archdemon. It was strange seeing her standing there, worn from travel but with a look of sheer determination on her face. This woman...this elf was a legend but she was so...unassuming. Everyone talked about her like she was some kind of god, even Leliana to an extent. 

 

“I had no intention of exiling them,” Fen’nas replied. “But we need to have council in order to decide their fate. Whether that be service to the Inquisition or custody to you. The Champion of Kirkwall has already offered to assist with their relocation to Weisshaupt. However I won’t be deciding that until we reach Skyhold and Erimond is tried for his crimes.” Her heart pounded nervously, how would the Hero of Ferelden act when hearing about Stroud? “Let’s get to the camp, you can settle in and join in the meeting this evening. I need to inform the others that you’re here commander.”

 

Linise was quiet, whatever she was thinking about didn’t show. “You have no intention on exiling the wardens?” she repeated. “Perhaps you are as kind as they say after all, for a wild Dalish elf that is. I may be Warden Commander but here I am simply a guest of the Inquisition. I shall...refer to your judgement. The Wardens did betray Ferelden.” Her words were...reluctant but honest. Fen’nas felt for her. 

 

Fen’nas made her way back out into the afternoon light, cringing at the sand as it blew into her face. “Your friend you spoke to, who was it?”

 

“Well if you’ve heard the stories, I did travel with Alistair for a time...the King of Ferelden. We served together for a time,” the warden commander answered. Linise took her staff from Zevran when he offered it to her, along with the reigns of her horse. “Zev and I decided that putting the search for the cure on hold could wait a little while longer. I still have time.  _ Vhenan, _ it’s time to meet the Inquisition.” 

 

* * *

 

“Third time in a row Hawke, this is getting embarrassing for you,” Varric reached out to take his winnings, what he was pretty sure was the last of the coin Hawke had on him from losing yet another game of Wicked Grace. “Fenris, take him away before he loses again.”

 

Fenris didn’t even bother looking up from the book he was reading as he shook his head. “This is on Hawke’s head not mine. If he embarrasses himself, he only has himself to blame.” He flicked the page over absently, his companions not seeing the smirk pulling at the corners of his lips. He loved Hawke,  _ utterly and truly  _ loved the mage but there were times that he needed to be dragged down a peg or two. Hearing about Hawke volunteering to stay in the Fade earned him one of those moments. 

 

“You wound me love!” Hawke pouted, tossing the last bad hand of cards on the table in front of him. “Okay Varric, I concede, you truly are the master of Wicked Grace.”

 

“That’s actually Josephine,” the dwarf answered back. He sorted the cards out back into a deck and started to reshuffle, “one more? I think I can take a favor over that coin you no longer have?” Varric smirked. 

 

“For once in my life, I’m going to be smart about it and bow out  _ gracefully _ .” Hawke drained the last of the ale and slammed the cup on the table. “What do you think Fenris?”

 

“Well would you look at that.” Varric was grinning like the cat that ate the canary, his eyes trained on a new party that had just entered the camp. “Here’s a joke for you broody, the Herald of Andraste and the Hero of Ferelden walk into a bar, the Champion of Kirkwall is there waiting, what happens next?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On a side note...DA4 teaser anyone?!!!!! I screamed, literally screamed when I saw it and my boyfriend was like wtf you screaming about?
> 
> *Me grabs Bioware* DON'T YOU MESS IT UP!!!!! Also give me a choice - side with Fen'Harel or the army going against him cause I will side with Fen'Harel every damn time...as a mage...cause apparently all my mc's are mages? 
> 
> *Small head-cannon, my Hawke is terrible at Wicked Grace, something Varric takes advantage of very easily. 
> 
> I promise more Fen and Cullen next chapter.


	12. And shatter me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Fen'nas talk, feelings and tears ensue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is shorter than I would have liked it to be but it decided to have a more...feelsy tone for this one. Clearly I'm moving things around and not strictly following the game timeline...well I am, loosely. 
> 
> Clearly not beta read but this chapter has been kicking my ass
> 
> I do not own Dragon Age, I just like to play in their sandpit

Cullen rolled up the map he’d been reading off carefully, tying it with a leather strap and handing it to the leader of the group of scout’s in front of him. “Scout Harding, I need you to take a small team through to the Waste’s by Nazaire's Pass. I want to see what the High Dragon is doing before we move the wounded tomorrow. If the dragon’s out and about, I need to know where so I can send the Chargers in to...occupy it.”

 

The scouts all wore matching smirks on their faces, Bull’s enthusiasm the last time they’d come across a dragon was both frightening and hilarious at the same time. They’d managed to bring the massive skull back to Skyhold and now it hung in the main hall right above the Inquisitor’s throne. “Yes sir, commander,” Harding saluted, handing the map off to the scout behind her.

 

The former templar turned his attention back the map laid out on the table in front of him as the scouts left on their assignment, Leliana and Cassandra were talking in hushed, angry tones about something. It was times like this Cullen actually found himself missing Josephine, she always was the voice of reason in just about everything. Truthfully, he’d be happier once they got out of the sun and the dry heat. It was torture but he was managing to pull through it, only just. “One we know the position of the dragon, we’ll be able to prepare the troops-”

 

“You’d think we didn’t just win a major battle and stop a demon army from coming through the fade,” Fen’nas cut in, coming in by the last of the scouts. “Whilst you’re all in here saving the world, I found myself two little rabbits.” The Inquisitor slipped in beside Cullen, wrapping her arm in around his to take his hand. He wasn’t wearing all his armor and gods the sight took her breath away. They hadn’t been able to spend more than five minutes together at a time with their duties holding most of their attention.

 

“Rabbits? I feel insulted,” Zevran gasped, a mock look of upset on his face, hand over his heart. “A rabbit, I am not _mi amor_. One would think a tiger perhaps, a crow even, not a rabbit.” The blonde assassin turned to Linise who simply just rolled her eyes and shook her head, her nose twitching ever so subtly. “Even my own wife abandons me!”

 

“Perhaps the only smart thing Linnie has  _ever_ done,” Leliana mused, putting a stop to whatever she was discussing with Cassandra to greet - no, to _hug_ her friend. The two women embraced with matching smiles on their faces, pressing their heads together. “I did not think you would tear yourself away from your search.”

 

“Fen’nas can certainly throw together some very interesting points when she writes in a letter and isn’t rambling,” Linise answered. “Zev and I arrived earlier today but we were unsure if I’d be welcome until the Qunari spotted us. The Inquisitor offered us her tent and a place in her war council for now.”

 

“And you are most welcome Linnie,” Leliana assured her. “Come, commander. We shall get you and Zev settled and some food for your stomachs, the council can wait until later.”

 

“We’ll speak later Fen’nas,” Linise nodded, smile brightening as the elf and her commander practically leaning on each other. “And you too Cullen. It’s good to see you again.” The brunette bowed her head respectfully, leaving the tent with Leliana and Zevran.

 

“I don’t like your colour Cullen,” Fen’nas frowned, speaking before he could lecture her on leaving the camp whilst still wounded. “I’m not a healer but please can you go see one?” she asked, concern written all over her face. Cassandra made a sound in the back of her throat that sounded disapproving and urging both at the same time that had Fen’nas wondering what was going on. “Am I missing something here?”

 

“Perhaps you’d like to take a walk?” Cullen suggested. “Down to the river? There’s something I need to tell you. In private would be better.”

“This is the part where you tell me you’re secretly married right?” The joke didn’t exactly sound great and it didn’t achieve its task of lightening the mood. “Look, Cullen, if you’re worried about my recent trip to the Fade, please don’t-”

 

“It’s not that,” he cut her off. “I need to speak to you about something I should have some time ago, but something’s been holding me back. Nearly losing you…” Cullen forced himself to smile but his eyes...they said everything. “Well I need to tell you this now.”

 

“Cryptic but okay,” Fen’nas frowned curiously. She waved Cullen in front of her, urging him to go ahead of her so she could follow him. Their encampment was located not too far away from a river that lead down to a series of tunnels underground, taking water to gods know where. Following him gave Fen’nas time to wonder what it is he wanted to talk to her about. “Cullen, this is all very mysterious. Are you sure you’re not taking me out of camp to kill me?”

 

“Maker no!” Cullen objected, spinning around to see the smirk pulling at her lips. “I think you might be spending far too much time with the Chargers and Dorian Fen’nas.” He put his hands on her shoulders and steered the mage to sit on a shaded bolder just near the riverbank. “There’s so much we need to talk about Fen’nas, secrets...things I’ve been feeling...everything came to head when the ground collapsed beneath you and you _fell_ into the Fade.”

 

“I lived Cullen…which is more than I can say about a lot of soldiers,” Fen’nas reminded him. “And it’s more than what I can say about Stroud. It should have been me. How could I hold Garrett’s life above that of a Grey Warden?”

 

Cullen knelt in the sand in front of her, taking the blonde’s hands in his as his head rested on her knees. “I thought I lost you…” he whispered, his voice coming out almost strangled. “When Hawke carried you out, there was so much blood...it felt as though my heart had been ripped out of my chest.” Cullen looked up at Fen’nas, stunned to see tears gathering in her eyes. He reached up to brush them aside only for more to come and keep falling. “Don’t cry, dear heart,” he all but pleaded.

 

Fen’nas felt like her heart was sinking deeper and deeper into her chest with each word from Cullen’s lips. The sadness tightened around her like a vice, threatening to hold on for all eternity. “ _Ar lath ma, vhenan_ ,” she choked. She moved forward with lightning speed, wrapping her slender arms around Cullen so she could bury her tears in his chest. “I'm sorry,” she sobbed. “I'm so, so sorry. Please forgive me.”

 

“It pains me to see you leave Skyhold...every time you leave me behind I wish I was able to come with you, to protect you.” Cullen had seen her fight, she didn't need his protection but he wanted to give it to he anyway. He _needed_ her to be safe but as Inquisitor it wasn't always possible. And then he'd lost her. Fen'nas had fallen through the Fade again only to emerge covered in blood, her party haggard and worn out from fighting demons and all manner of nightmares. “I'm glad it wasn't you, I could not bare to lose you. I love you too, Fen'nas.”

 

Her pale blue eyes grew wide with shock, Fen'nas hadn't expected those words to slip out of Cullen's mouth. Her heart skipped a beat and her stomach had suddenly become home to a dozen butterflies. “You...understood what I said?” she whispered. “I...how?”

 

“Solas,” Cullen confessed, his lips curling into a smile. He brushed her tears away with his thumbs and pulled her into a hug, not worrying over the fact that the two of them were sitting on the sand. “I borrowed a book on Elven from him and it was there…well borrowed wasn't the case so much as he just left it in a pile of reports I was in the middle of reading.”

 

His kiss was soft, tender almost, calloused fingers brushed against her neck, curling behind her neck to draw her closer. Fen'nas was more than happy to comply, shifting until she was occupying the same space as Cullen. “I love you,” she whispered between kisses. So this was what Varric meant by ‘having it bad’. She pressed a chaste kiss against the commanders lips, her exhaustion slipping through, there were very few people in the Inquisition that Fen'nas could let the mask down in front of.

 

“You’re tired,” Cullen noted, holding her close as they leant back against the rock. “What I wanted to talk to you about can wait.”

 

Fen'nas was a little confused. “I thought...I thought that was what you wanted to talk to me about. The Fade and Stroud...you can tell me anything Cullen, you know I'm willing to listen.”

 

Cullen glanced at her, for a split second it felt like she was able to see _everything_ about him he didn't want her to see. The damage, the pain...it was something he wanted to keep pushed down in fear that his mage would run away in fear. She linked her hand in with his and let her head rest against his shoulder, relaxing despite everything. The commander coughed to clear his throat, trying to find the words. “I didn't want you to find out like this but...you know about Lyrium? That it grants templars our abilities but it controls us as well. Those cut off suffer, some go mad, other's die.” Fen'nas nodded but said nothing, simply urging him to talk. “You are aware that we have secured a reliable source of Lyrium for the templars here, but...I no longer take it.”

 

“You stopped?” The blonde was...surprised. Cullen had stopped taking his Lyrium…? “When?”

 

“When I joined the Inquisition,” he confessed. “It's been months now.”

 

Fen’nas was stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, Cullen had chosen to cut the last ties he had to the Templar order in the way of Lyrium dependency, on the other hand...he could die. “Cullen, if this can kill you-”

 

“It hasn’t yet,” he cut her off. “After what happened in Kirkwall, I couldn’t. I will not be bound to the Order, or that life any longer, whatever the suffering I accept it. But I would not put the Inquisition at risk...I would not put you at risk…” He pressed a kiss to her hair, noting the smell of Crystal Grace and the subtle hint of Elfroot. “I’ve asked Cassandra to...watch me. If my ability to lead is compromised, I will be relieved of duty.”

 

“Well that explains the look that Cassandra gave you earlier,” Fen’nas mused. She looked up at him, the worry written all over her face along with pride...pride in him. “Are you in pain?”

 

“I can endure it.” Cullen ran his free hand through her hair, the elf appearing not to worry when he found a few knots in her pale curls.

 

“If stopping the Lyrium is really what you want to do, I will respect that and support you all the way Cullen.” It all added up now that she really thought about it, all the times he’d appeared ill or tired, even when his colour was off, Cullen was going through withdrawals from a substance that could potentially kill him. “I’m here if you need me. Doesn’t matter when or why. Ghi’lan and I are always going to be here.”

 

“Thank you, Fen’nas.”

 

“No,” she whispered, “thank you for telling me Cullen, for trusting me with this...it means a lot to me…” Fen’nas placed her hand over his heart, smiling softly. “My name...the one I was born with...it’s Sura. It was the name my parents gave me. I want you to have it, keep it safe...just like you do with me.”

 

“And I shall treasure it,” Cullen replied, drawing her into a searing kiss. For now, it was just the two of them, the troubles of the world were thousands of miles away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started playing DAII and romanced Anders this time, sooooo freaking adorable and yet weird at the same time when you've had Fenris to romance the last three times I've played it...and in the spirit of opposites, I started DAI again and sided with the Templars...
> 
> My boyfriend found me sobbing uncontrollably when Envy killed Cullen in the Inquisitors head...I need some fluff, stat!


	13. If only the clockworks could speak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A hundred and one different uses for lace...well just two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been...forever and a flipping day since I wrote smut between a man and a woman...seriously. If I didn't have my internet muse and shameless enabler, I would still be sitting here staring at the word document wondering why it won't write itself. Seriously babe you are the greatest. 
> 
> Also smut...
> 
> I don't own Dragon Age, I'm just mucking around in their swimming pool

“Do you miss it...your home among the Dalish?” The Inquisitor glanced up from the chessboard at Linise, the warden was absently watching a butterfly fluttering around a rose bush in the outside garden. “You’ve been away from them for...several months now according to Leli. Do you not want to go back?”

 

Fen’nas paused as she moved her bishop. Cullen had painstakingly taken the time to teach her how to play chess, she’d be damned if she wasn’t going to put that to some sort of use. “I think I don’t,” she confessed. Her life as second to the Keeper had been fairly secluded, not because of her magic, well not just because of her magic. Her isolation was self-imposed. “I didn’t connect with them the way I do with everyone here. What about you? Do you miss your clan?”

 

The brunette chuckled and shook her head. “No, I do not. When I left to become a Grey Warden I’d just lost my closest friend, I had the taint and the only one who could help me was a warden called Duncan. He and Alistair were my family after that. And then the rest, they say is history.” Linise moved her queen, snatching up one of her opponents pawns. “I have Zev, as exhausting and exhilarating and exciting that is...that’s all I need in the end. But what of you and the commander? Cullen.” She laughed outright at the sheepish smile that appeared on the young woman’s face. “My, my...when I was among the Dalish it was virtually unheard of, one of the people falling for a shemlan. Cullen is...Cullen is a good man. I knew him years ago when he was still a young Templar, he’s a good pick Fen’nas.”

 

“Yeah he is,” the blonde beamed happily. “Unless you ask Garrett and then all he can do is grumble about him under his breath. Rather comical if you ask me.” The pair were taking a break whilst the rest of Skyhold dealt with the Inquisitor's official ruling over the fate of the wardens from Adamant. At the end of the week, Linise and Garrett would be departing with the leftover wardens to travel to the ancient fortress of Weisshaupt. Fen'nas hadn't known Linise for as long as she had Garret and Fenris, but she and Zevran were good company.

 

Linise snickered, very unbecoming of the warden commander. “Our dear Champion of Kirkwall is very...interesting to say the least. I heard a fair bit about him from his younger brother Carver a few years ago. Back before he helped Anders blow up the Chantry in Kirkwall.”

 

“You ladies wouldn't happen to be speaking about me would you?” Garrett asked, his voice cutting in as Fen'nas contemplated her next move. He came up the path, dressed casually but showing signs of sweat from training. “Inquisitor, move your knight there and you've got her queen.”

 

Fen'nas gazed at the board and found herself grinning wickedly. “Hey thanks!”

 

“That's cheating!” Linise argued. With the loss of her queen, there was little chance she'd be able to take the blonde mages king on her own. “Damn. First game I've lost in a while too,” the warden pouted as she knocked over her king. “I concede the game my lady,” Linise mock bowed. “Where's your shadow?” she asked, referring to Fenris. “He's normally not far away.”

 

“He's in the library with Dorian,” Garrett replied, pulling up his own seat. “Staring at him occasionally over the top of the book muttering about magesters and evil Tevinter. It's amusing which is why he kicked me out earlier.”

 

Fen'nas laughed. “Poor Dorian, he's a decent sort once you get passed the fact that he's from Tevinter. Another game perhaps? Now that the mess with the demon army is over, Josephine wants to turn her attention of Orlais and the upcoming ball. The longer I'm occupied with you, the more I don't have to be with the dressmaker.” She instantly regretted her choice of words upon seeing Linise's mousy brown eyes light up. “Oh no not you too. Josie, Dorian and Vivienne I can hide from, you're a menace!”

 

“Inquisitor Lavellan!” Linise mock-scoalded. “You used me in games of chess to get out of a dress fitting! Now this will simply not do!”

 

“Ah….Hawke...little help over here?” Fen'nas pleaded, looking like a child caught red-handed.

 

The champion shook his head. “Nope. I had to suffer all the pomp and circumstance when I was the Viscount of Kirkwall.” His smirk was _evil_. “It's your turn to suffer. Even our Lady Warden here has probably had her own amount of trauma associated with the nobility.”

 

Linise nodded knowingly and entirely unsympathetically. “Alistair throws these parties that I attend every now and then, it's so boring. Hero of Ferelden this, Hero of Ferelden that, I swear Zev is the only thing that makes them bearable, my dear husband.” She tapped her fingers on the table, smiling widely. “How about Garrett and I come with you and play the voice of reason when the dressmaker won't listen to you? Generally they don't with other's like Josephine in the room. Everyone has an opinion on what they think you should be wearing.”

 

“Oh that sounds delightful.” If his enthusiasm was any faker the champion would be an Orlesian noble. “You know how to show a man a good time Linise.”

 

“Got anything better to do?” Fen'nas queried, earning a shake of the head from the mage. “Good. How bad can it be though? It's just a dress fitting.”

 

“Famous last words Lavellan.”

 

And as it turned out, it was. The rest of the afternoon was spent in her quarters matching fabrics and patterns to the elf’s figure. The rude Orlesian dressmaker tried her hardest to push design after design on Fen'nas that she just didn't like. Ghi’lan had already snapped at her twice for being less than careful. The Inquisition was going to the Winter Palace in Halamshiral to _be noticed_ in order to stop the assassination of Empress Celene by forces unknown. Josephine was adamant that Fen'nas should stand out, not melt into the background among the masked nobility. When the woman was about to throw up her hands in annoyance and declare the Dalish Elf _impossible_ , it was Linise to the rescue with a drawing she'd started at Garrett’s insistence. Who knew the Hero of Ferelden could draw?

 

Fen'nas fell in love with it the moment she saw the drawing. She finally had use for the pale blue fabric she was practically converting...that and the white lace she'd grown fond of. That lead to a whole new conversation about the pleasures of lace that had Fen'nas bright red and Garrett laughing at the mortified dressmaker. The time ticked by slowly, the woman taking measurements, and on Josephine's insistence, a few more gowns were to be added to the Inquisitor’s wardrobe for social functions. By the time they were finished, Garrett had gone to find Fenris and Linise was dragged away by Zevran {stealing some lace on the way out}. Josephine clicked her tongue and left with the dressmaker muttering about corrupting influences.

 

The Inquisitor worked well into the evening on various reports left for her by Cassandra and Leliana, losing track of time completely. It only became apparent that the day had turned into night when the smell of food flooded into her chambers. “Whoever that is, I will marry you if that's food!” Fen'nas declared as she dropped her quill to look up. “Cullen!” she squeaked, turning the same shade of red the commander was.

 

He stood there at the top of the stairs with a plate of food in his hands and surprisingly, no armor. “Cassandra suggested that you needed to take a break. Have some food since you obviously missed dinner.” Cullen crossed the open floor and held the plate out for her to see, there was enough food on there to feed three of her.

 

“Let me guess,” she teased, “you got volunteered for the job, my dear commander?” Fen'nas sprinkled some sand over the last signature she'd just signed and sat the pile of paper's aside. “I've never seen such a handsome caretaker.” The blonde stood up and motioned for him to sit it down on the table in the small sitting area Josephine had set up for her. “Have you eaten anything? Because that is way too much food for me to eat.”

 

“That's why Dorian piled on double so I could eat with you.” The blazing red in the commander's face told Fen'nas that his comment hadn't been about food. Creator's bless Dorian Pavus. “Do you have any wine?”

 

“Desk drawer,” Fen'nas answered, ratting around for some cutlery she knew she had stored in her closet for situations like this. “I think Dorian left it there, or Sara. Probably both. Creator only knows what they get up to when I'm not here.” She gave a laugh of triumph when she found the cutlery and turned to find Cullen standing at her desk holding a strip of blue and white lace like he was trying to figure out exactly what it was doing there. Fen'nas was going to _kill_ Garrett Hawke and his inappropriate suggestions concerning lace. “I think I'm going to murder Hawke,” she blushed, snatching it out of his hands...or at least attempting to because Cullen _refused_ to let it go. “Cullen?”

 

“So this was what Hawke meant by lace looks good on you,” Cullen muttered. It was either to himself or to her but the meaning was pretty damn clear. Carefully he brushed her hair off her shoulders and held the lace up against her skin. “Linise said you were getting a dress made with this lace on it for the Winter Palace,” he spoke aloud. “She didn't show me but...it's going to look breathtaking Fen'nas.”

 

Fen'nas put her hands over his, squeezing lightly. “ _Ar lath ma, vhenan_ ,” she whispered, leaning in to kiss him. “I don't want to eat.”

 

Cullen's eyes grew wide and the passion burning in her gaze  “Fen...Maker's breath….are you saying that you…?”

 

“I _want_ you Cullen,” Fen'nas finished. “Only if you want it. I can't…think if anyone more amazing, brilliant...anyone who is more home to me than you and your arms…” It was a long time coming, she'd wanted this next step for ages, Fen'nas would wake up dreaming about his touch in her skin. Dancing around Cullen was pure torture when he was just so close. “Cullen?”

 

Just when she thought he was about to say no, Cullen pulled her close, the warmth of her mouth was all-too familiar and entirely welcome. “Are you entirely sure Fen?” he asked, his voice coming out in a strangled whisper, begging, pleading...asking. _Don't turn away, don't push me out…let me stay_.

 

“Cullen, it's new...it’s frightening but I want it to be you…” Fen'nas paid no heed to the lace that fell between them. “I don't think...I will never be able to go back to my clan, my people, I've changed far _too_ much for the life of a simple Keeper. All of you from Cassandra to Vivienne have become my new family, you hold my heart Cullen. I love you.” Her heart was pounding in her chest so hard she was sure he could hear it. She was sure they were one the same page, they'd been dancing around each other since the start, since that very first meeting near the Temple of Sacred Ashes. Now she _wanted_ to dance with him. “Stay with me tonight Cullen.”

 

“I thought you'd never ask.” If it was possible to pull her any closer, Cullen accomplished this task without a second though. She was warm, so warm, like mage fire on a cold winter's night, burning brightly...calling him. It was a siren's call he was all too happy to answer. “Can I take this off?” Cullen questioned, fingers running along the buttons of the tunic she loosely wore.

 

“You don’t have to ask,” Fen’nas blushed, unbuttoning the last few buttons that held the tunic closed. She watched Cullen push it off her shoulders, the fabric falling to the floor behind her. He lightly ran his fingers over her skin, eyes firmly stuck on her face, searching for permission...ever the gentleman. “Cullen...it’s okay. You can look...you’re the only one that ever has.” The blonde discarded her breast band, wherever her smalls went, she didn’t know, nore did Fen’nas care.

 

“You take my breath away,” Cullen confessed, backing the two of them up to the bed. He reached out and tugged at the ties on her breaches, loosening them but leaving them on. “Help me with my shirt.” Her touch against his skin was like the light of the sun itself, Cullen once thought that Fen’nas’s touch would calm the raging fires inside his heart but all it did was make him burn bright. He drew her into his arms, lips crashing together, flesh against flesh, she was so small against him. Cullen wanted to protect her from all the dangers in the world. Her small moans rolled through his body, desires sweeping through as though a tidal wave itself.

 

Fen’nas found herself at a loss when Cullen put space between them, the mournful tone in her throat made the commander laugh. She pushed down her breaches, hooking her thumbs in the small clothes underneath, letting them fall away before falling back on the bed. The blonde propped herself up on her elbows, the blush in her face spreading down her chest as she watched Cullen strip the last of his clothing. “Wow…” Fen’nas whispered. Her eyes, burning bright with desire, swept over her like he was something to be devoured. She held her hand up, beckoning like a siren, inviting him to her bed. “I want you Cullen...more than anything in this world.

 

With strength that Cullen didn’t know she possessed, Fen’nas pulled him onto the bed, his body partially covering hers as he leg fell between her thighs, brushing against her core. Her body was warm, flushed...but most importantly they fit, like pieces of a puzzle. Cullen wanted to trace every inch of her body starting with her lips, trailing down to her neck and the dimples on her shoulder. She gasped as he swiped his tongue against her skin, his mouth moving to take her nipple, sucking, teasing... “I want to taste you.”

 

It was the only warning Fen’nas got as Cullen moved down her body, hands gripping thighs that willingly open, welcoming him. She followed his mass of blonde curls, watching as he kissed her navel. “Cullen you don’t-”

 

“I want to.” His eyes shone with resolve, it had been far too long since Cullen had been with a woman, but Fen’nas made him feel as though he was trying everything again for the first time. Cullen brushed his finger against her folds, eyes never leaving her face as she tried to process the plethora of feelings flooding her. He found what he was looking for, pinching her clit, pressing it lightly. Fen’nas gasped and gripped the sheets, arching her back a little as she bit back her cry. The windows to her balcony were open and the door to her chamber wasn't locked, it should have bothered him but here, right now, she was his and he was hers. Let them see, let them hear. “I want to hear you, Maker I want to hear you Fen.” Cullen’s cock was hard, _aching_...the rest of him was wound up tightly like a coiled spring.

 

A tongue replaced his fingers, Fen’nas shouted, her hands clumsily fumbling for his hair in an effort to find something to ground her. “Oh...oh Creator, Cullen!” she gasped. She was hot, it wasn’t unpleasant, it was comfortable, welcome...Fen’nas found herself waiting, her body was no longer her own as the heat built up, rising higher and higher. Cullen’s tongue was wicked, sharper than any sword and so... _so good._ A slew of elvhenan flew passed her lips as the frustrating feeling spread out from her core.

 

Cullen was relentless in his touch, he could feel her thighs quivering, the muscles surprisingly firm for a mage. He wanted to feel her, touch her, taste her as she came undone. He couldn’t wait to have her surround him, completely and utterly, mind, body and soul. Fen’nas was everything to him, he didn’t know when it had happened but it had. Lost in the throws of passion, she’d never been more beautiful...more primal. Her scream was all he heard when she came, her body growing lax beneath him. Cullen came back up, stopping to commit the sight of the famed Herald of Andraste naked, flushed and coming down from could have been the heavens itself. “Fen’nas.” He licked his lips, commiting her sweat taste to memory and moving to capture her lips.

 

She moaned into his kiss, tasting herself on his tongue, her entire body over-sensitive and raw. “That was...Creator Cullen that was…” Her words were lost, sentences half finished whilst her brain tried to process the fuzz. “Can I...return…?”

 

“Another time perhaps,” Cullen replied. “I want to see you come undone, I _want_ to feel you around me, all consuming. So beautiful.” Her silent nod was all he needed, Cullen moved her thighs wider, his mind telling him to slow down, be gentle, _savor every damn inch._ But he didn't know when they'd get a moment like this again. His cock pressed at her entrance, the juices from her release making it easier to sink into her.

 

Fen'nas pawed at Cullen's shoulders, her knuckles turning white as she tightly gripped his skin. The stretch was unlike anything she'd ever felt before, it was uncomfortable at first and for a moment Fen'nas was worried Cullen wouldn't fit. She snapped back to reality when she felt teeth nibbling at her jawline, Cullen's thighs pressed against hers. “Cullen.” Her voice came out in this throaty whisper at the sight of her commander above her, skin flushed, a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead. Fen'nas wrapped her legs around him, “move Cullen.”

 

“I'm savoring this sight...committing it to memory,” he responded. Not just sight though, the feeling was incredible. She was warm, tight and silky smooth, her body fit against his. They may not share the same gods but Cullen would swear for the rest of his days that they were made to fit each other. Cullen withdrew, rocking his hips in a way that screamed calculated and strategic.

 

Fen’nas loved it, each movement, each snap of his hips buried him deeper inside her as she clenched and unclenched around him. There was an ache in her belly, a raw fire that demanded to be fueled. They could talk later, now she wanted teeth and skin and sweet and moans. She was trying to focus on his movements, the sharp slap of skin against skin as beads of sweat rolled across their bodies but her mind refused to. Everything was strong, overwhelming...beautiful. “ _Ar lath ma, vhenan_.”

 

_I love you, my heart….for the rest of my days I will love you no matter what happens._

 

Tears gathered in the corners of her eyes but she was smiling. Before Cullen could stop, Fen’nas kissed him, her own body moving against his almost like they were dancing. He pulled back, hands moving to grip her thighs harsh enough to leave bruises, not that she cared. Cullen snapped his hips pulling a loud moan from her lips. He smirked and did it again, her cried loud this time. “Make that sound again.”

 

“Cullen!” she moaned, the sound echoing off the walls. Creator, Fen’nas could feel the dangerous edge of another orgasm approaching, it was frustratingly slow. The elf wanted to scream out in annoyance only to have the thought melt into her mind as Cullen ran a finger over her sensitive clit. “Fuck!” she hissed, making her lover still for just a moment with laughter. “Don’t...don’t you dare stop!” Fen’nas warned, her face flushed.

 

“Can’t stop now,” he breathed, his movements growing more rapid. His body was aching for release. Cullen so badly wanted to come but he didn’t want this to end. This was reality that he wanted to stay in forever. “Fen, I-”

 

“Do it,” she panted. “I’ve...fuck!” Fen’nas hissed, the muscles in her thighs clenching tightly. “I’ve taken...stoneseed root tea.”

 

Cullen didn’t even process the thought choosing to instead move faster, any rhythm he possessed disappearing in among the moans and grunts. What came from who he didn’t know, fuck he didn’t care, all that Cullen knew when that coil finally snapped was searing heat and never ending love. Fen’nas held him close, anchoring him to this world with strangled whispers in his ear, all in elvhenan, her body fighting her release. Cullen moved his fingers, pinching just that little harder and was rewarded as he body stiffened and tightened around him, his name shouted loud enough for all to here.

 

Fen’nas fell lax against the bed, her mind was in a million different directions and not interested in coming back any time soon. Leliana was right, a hundred percent right-she whimpered when Cullen finally withdrew, her body already mourning his loss. “Stay…” she whispered, snuggling into him once Cullen lay beside her. “Forever.”

 

_Or at least until the world catches up with us._

 

It was silent, but Cullen understood. “Always.” He pressed a kiss to her disheveled hair, breathing in a scent that was all Fen'nas Lavellan. "Always."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I did a google search, Stoneseed Root herbs are apparently a real thing used in some of the more isolated Indian tribes to prevent pregnancy, dunno what they have in the DA universe but we can all assume Lelianna made sure Fen'nas was taking it. Last thing we need is a pregnant Inquisitor...although she would be the single most precious thing in Thedas and Cullen would be the best soon-to-be daddy in the world...
> 
> Urgh...now I wanna write a baby fic...damn it


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